#people are using conversation 2 to justify conversation 1

[kyofsonder]

My thoughts when I read various AI art discussions/discourse...

I think people are having two very different conversations about AI art and conflating them as one in the same, so I agree with most AI art opinions up to a point and when people reach that point I get very opinionated and defensive about said opinions. I hate corporations, I hate police forces and similar government agencies, I respect and appreciate small artists and shops, and I have strong feelings about art as a whole.

Agreements and disagreements specified under the cut:

"Corporations and government agencies are misusing AI in predatory and exploitative ways that we as a society should not allow."

I agree. The way police departments are using AI art filters to train their facial recognition software is a deplorable human rights violation and certain AI art companies trawling sites like DeviantArt and AO3 to train their AI without crediting any artists or authors used for said training or even overtly asking permission is an unforgivable act of exploitation.

"They can do this because AI is dangerously unregulated in terms of copyright and fair use laws, allowing both the theft of art and the theft and unethical use of personal information -- we as a society need to quickly address these regulation issues and make AI safer and more ethical to use."

Again, I agree. As odd as it is, the only company I trust to properly credit artists at the moment is Shutterstock due to the efforts they've been putting into figuring out the legality of using art for training purposes -- and even they might be more underhanded about said copyright legality research than I know. I think more companies should not only follow in their footsteps to put forth that amount of effort, but go beyond them to be as upfront and transparent about said efforts as possible. Companies should credit and pay all artists used to train their AI and probably give a small amount of royalties every time their art goes into a newly generated AI image. Artists deserve that much respect, credit, and compensation for their work.

"AI art actually endangers small artists who rely on commissions for income, since it allows people who would otherwise pay for art to simply generate AI images for free."

Again, I agree that this is a problem that needs addressing. The burden shouldn't be on small artists to adapt, but as the art world changes so must artists. Both the development of styles AI cannot duplicate and the integration of AI art into standard digital art should be explored in order to open more avenues of potential income for small artists. We should be able to make almost-perfect AI images, then pay small artists to edit them for us so they're actually perfect -- and we shouldn't be stingy about how much we pay in those situations, since matching an AI's style or converting its style to your own is a difficult task in either direction. We should never lose our respect for artists, and should help them to continue to thrive as technology advances.

"Honestly, we as a society shouldn't be using AI art programs at all because it's not even good art -- it's cheap and weak and can't compare to real human artists."

I concede that it's largely underdeveloped, it's come very far in a very short time but still has a long way to go before its flaws are properly ironed out. That said, I actually firmly believe that it shouldn't be discarded or mocked due to that lack of development. It is a tool we're still developing. We said that being able to draw on computers and tablets made things "too easy" and wasn't as legitimate as traditional art, but look how well we've learned to integrate those mediums while still having each stand on its own. We have whole art styles based in digital art now and for the most part our society recognizes those as legitimate forms of art. AI art may go the same way, and personally I love watching its progress. Seeing people use AI art as starting points, then refine those bases into something uniquely theirs is very fun to watch -- as is watching people who can't do art at all figure out how to expertly manipulate AI generators to create exactly what they envision. The effort put into refining AI art is really admirable and cool! It can become something amazing if we all decide to see it as a tool and use it accordingly -- provided we close the loopholes and areas of opportunity where companies and governments and assholes are currently exploiting it so that we can use it safely and ethically. That should definitely be a priority as AI moves forward.

"In fact, I actually hate AI 'art' because it's not even real! It has no soul or emotion, and those are what make art real. Only humans can put soul into art, anything an AI makes is just a hollow, imitative husk of a thing. It's a dirty scam!"

Alright, now we're getting into my personal biases. Now I want to reach through my screen and shake everyone saying this by the shoulders until they explain to me who made the AI in the first place and who is using the AI programs to create things and how they know whether a thing has soul in it or not. Humans put effort and thought and time into making AI programs and coding them to learn things, they put pieces of themselves into making that! Humans put thought and meaning into the things they make with AI art generators! They put effort and thought and feeling and time into that, even if it is unfathomably faster to do than if they'd drawn a thing from scratch! AI art does not lack soul! AI art does not lack emotion! Corporations using art for ads and agencies using art for surveillance warp the soul of a thing to fit their scummy purposes whether it was made by human hands or not, but AI art itself is not inherently soulless! I despise the use of quotes when people call it AI "art" instead of just AI art and I despise when they say it isn't real! A thing made with a specialized tool is still a real thing! A thing made because a person wanted to make it has a soul! It has emotion! Art cannot help but have a soul because living things have touched it at some point in its development! Are you implying every artist whose material was used to train the AI themselves created soulless art? Are you implying the theft of their work was meaningless and they shouldn't fight to be credited, because none of their emotion bled through into the AI image trained by their work at all? Are you implying that art is objective, and the feelings of the audience don't matter? I have put some of my own soul into every piece of art I have ever consumed, mingling with the soul of its creator(s), and AI art does not make this less possible! It only removes the names and credits of the souls that went into the pieces used to train the AI, and that removal is what I oppose! Not the art itself, its soul cannot be removed no matter how it gets warped! That is the nature of art in all forms! It has a soul in it whether we try to take it out or not! AI art is real art, as far as I'm concerned, and if you keep conflating the argument of whether it's ethical (the laws surrounding it are objectively not ethical and we must correct them before those in power go too far to be pulled back) with the argument of whether it's real (I clearly have a defined stance on this, but it's ultimately more subjective than the legal side of this conversation and you're not a morally wrong person or anything if you believe AI art is not real art you just get under my skin personally and we probably can't be friends) as if they are one in the same when they are in fact separate topics then I will shake you until you reach a desk and sit you down at that desk and make you draw and draw until you can tell me exactly what makes this art so much more real than AI art. I will make you describe to me exactly what threatens you about AI art until you can learn to differentiate between legal concerns of exploitation/surveillance and your own fear of not being able to keep up with those who are using newer tools than yours.

I may not die on this hill, but I will defend it with gnashing teeth and trembling hands until there is no other choice than to back down and admit defeat if new information/developments should push me that direction. AI art is being used incorrectly by people who already have more than enough profit and control and only see AI technology as a weapon that can ensure further profit and control, it is not in itself incorrect or soulless or unreal or a scam. I hate that people see it as such. I really do.

Art should be allowed to grow, not be stifled because there's still work to be done to correct how some people are using it or plan to use it later. I know that work involves putting pressure on companies, but can we please not also put pressure on artists trying to adapt to new technologies or people trying to explore their artistic desires when they couldn't do so before AI art was an option? Can we just recognize that it's a new art tool that's being misused, and not vilify the AI itself?

[lucielovekj]

I loathe how much people struggling w hygiene is such a sticking point in these conversations, how it’s like one of the most known and common symptoms of basically every mental illness and yet it stalls literally every conversation asking people to not actively abuse us for being mentally ill.

I’m lucky, during those times I’ve always been able to shower and dress myself when I’ve needed to, I’ve never been forced to actually go anywhere like that…but people act like someone being so miserable and so detached from themselves that they can’t even bring themselves to perform basic self care is 1. A personal attack on them which they’re justified in retaliating for, 2. A personal choice they’re intentionally making and 3. Something which makes someone less of a human being and less deserving of compassion and respect.

Like yeah standing behind someone in line at Walmart who smells funky isn’t fun, but I promise you whatever they’re going through that’s caused it is a million times worse and harder than the 30 seconds of mild, escapable discomfort you felt. I promise you they know they’re not doing great, they’re absolutely sorry, they definitely feel bad about it, you don’t need to make it worse. They don’t wanna be that in that place any more than you do. It costs nothing to just have some compassion for them.

[g1rlken]

┏ Like real people do 3. ┐

Aemond x daemon’sdaughter!wife reader

⋆˚࿔ reader part 1 & part 2 here ˚⋆𝜗𝜚˚⋆

summary: Heavy melancholy of jahaerys’ funeral and a difficult aftermath of the tragic affair brings out feelings and confession (mainly hurt comfort)

word count: 3.1k+

warnings: Jaehaerys’ funeral, b&c aftermath, small folk chants

As the news progressed further down to dragonstone, an unwavering tension settled within the walls of the black council. Upon finding out the works of Daemon under her own, Rhaenyra’s name, she grew relentlessly furious. The lack of remorse and understanding gravity of the situation by the king consort was something that unnerved the queen even more so. The funeral for the boy was being prepared for as she had to stand hand on hand, heavy of heart and guilty of crimes she did not commit whilst daemon being unbothered as ever. Even after all that had occurred he regretted little of his miscalculation and more of his daughter still out of his reach. “It is only right I want my daughter back! By whatever means I have left to myself I cant keep on sitting in stupid council meetings, talking action stations whilst the hightowers have my daughter!”

Rhaenyra sighed looking away for a second, the conversation they were having was as it reaching lengths and she had to hold herself back from pointing out just how late daemon had this epiphany of concern for his daughter. Personally, Rhaenyra never had anything against y/n but it was Daemon’s disdain and locked up dislike for his own daughter which made her estranged and isolated from the family and bond she could have had even before he decided to marry her off “It is not that I do not hold any regard for y/n, I do. More than you ever did yourself.” She did not point when she tried to change Daemon’s mind when he decided to marry y/n off to Aemond before everything happened. She knew he regretted that as it is, “you can’t just act about as you wish now. You taint my name and my authority-”

“Wanting my daughter back is not a whim. She is in a disturbing place, married to that one eyed cunt do you think they are treating her with mercy?” Daemon interrupted her. He felt increasingly unsure and guilty of the life he subjected his own daughter to. Surely, he could never be gentler nor acceptive of his daughter, an extension to the hatred he held for her mother and the loss of his own personal freedom. Yet, the horror that had transcended broke down all his walls he held against y/n.

“You put her in that position!” Rhaenyra exclaimed out of frustration. “Despite everyone’s better judgement you were so eager to be rid of her and now you use her name to justify your self servings!”

“I’m not using my firstborn name to justify anything I simply want her back!” Daemon’s voice roared through the room as he found it difficult to get the truth of his conscience across to his wife. He couldn’t get it across to himself either but he felt urges more than he did reasons.

“I want her back too.” Rahaenyra declared, in truth she couldn’t be a ruler if she would surpass kindness to those of her own kin. The innocents within her kin. As far as she could tell y/n was one of the most misfortunate innocents she’d known. The timid sweet motherless child living at the hands of a vengeful father. “Do you think I don’t consider the horror she must be facing. Aemond, made it difficult for me to find the remains of my son I cannot even stomach the thought of pain he must inflict upon y/n.” She said in a weary tone, “All because…had my father or you, given second thoughts to the godawful marriage union of them she would’ve—”

“We can’t afford to indulge in what ifs when this is the time for action!” Daemon interrupted her as the guilt crept in more and more at her words. She was right of course, he did not miss y/n he felt responsible. “I will not be as though my hands are tied when they’re not. I will do everything in my power to get my daughter back.” This was perhaps the first time in all his life that he referred to y/n as his daughter. With the fatherly claim she had yearned for all her life…he was able to give it to her now, just now when she wasn’t around to revive it.

-

The funeral procession for the green heir, across the coast of dragonstone was an excruciating affair. The princess sat next to her mother in law the dowager queen as Helaena sat on the other side of the carriage next to her mother. Alicent, in the middle holding both of their hands as the royal women proceeded for the funeral.

Chants of public support ran through the streets of King’s landing yet none of it seemed to matter, as though it could do something. As though it could bring the boy back. The queen grew more and more restless and alicent tended to her, y/n tried too but every sight she laid her eyes on was more horrific than the other. A disgusting addition to the visions already recapping inside her head. The intruder, the blood, the disheveled room, the blood, the council meeting, the blood, Aemond’s quiet distress, the blood, just so much blood. She couldn’t be rid of the sights, ringing in her ears came over and over.

It was sickening. Everything was so sickening she felt physically weak. The politics of this procession in itself felt a heavy degradation of grief. And it was. Grieving women out on display for the public to see the works of the pretender queen. Without even being present across the coast y/n could surely tell just who was capable of such barbarism. Having faced it first hand herself she knew it was daemon behind this plan through and through and yet he wasn’t held accountable. The small folk called out for them as the carriage moved forward, perhaps their empathy was guaranteed for something but y/n couldn’t digest it.

Their chants, “Princess y/n! We grieve with you!”

“…the daughter that never was…”

“forsaken by kin and crown…Princess y/n we grieve for you!”

“A motherless child left in the pretender’s wake”

“Our rouge prince’s firstborn wronged by the black queen! The gods weep for your tragedy!”

gods…such plight laid bare for the people to see and this is how they perceive it. The wounds on her face, her father’s doing…all of it is ‘the pretender’s’ fault. All of their supposed well wishes or slogans twisted her stomach. She wanted to scream, tell them whose hands held the blood over the boy, over the cuts on her.

"From Lady Royce’s loss to Rhaenyra’s disdain—Princess y/n suffers"

That one felt like being stabbed in the ears, she felt her ears rang so loud, somewhat thankfully she didn’t hear further than that for a while. Lady Royce. A name she wouldn’t want to hear in this setting, a name she did not hear in so long and this, this felt like a cruel joke. She felt her mother’s loss all her life. But she suffered more due to Daemon’s disdain. Even now, away from him, a whole another life yet she was subjected to misery after misery by that man and everyone still saw him highly. The narrative couldn’t be surpassed in any way, she felt like a cornered animal in her father’s playground. She felt closer to the gods in the heaviest of her griefs but she couldn’t be sure if they did weep for her tragedy, looking up to the bland sky she hoped they at least witnessed.

The day was the foulest she had perhaps ever lived, the funeral parade worsened Helaena’s state even more so. Alicent and Y/n tried to help her through it, this whole ordeal was such an unnecessary test for Helaena.

After the funeral, even the darkest days seem to have a nightfall resulting a darker night. Y/n had fallen victim to a heavy fever. A result to the circumstances of a day which felt as long as a year. Her wounds were properly tended to and closed once she returned from the funeral but the fever simply elevated. Her mental turmoil truly did not help her situation, not meaning to worsen her situation but she couldn’t stop her thoughts. The smallfolk’s chants, the visions…everytime she closed her eyes she couldn’t help but open them teary once again. The maesters worked on her the entire evening until her fever stopped elevating but did not lower even. Whimpering and tossing on the bed, her limbs were hot enough to be on fire yet she felt cold of the north. The maids changed the cloth on her forehead over and over, she refrained from eating anything. A very difficult sight for Aemond. He had been present in the room the entire time, he did not leave her sight ever since she returned. Wanting to pick a bone with his mother and grand sire, that his wife’s condition was a result of their need to leave her wounds bare for the funeral. Yet Aemond remained at her side, muttering sweet nothings and offering her reassurances. “Are you still cold?” He would ask her softly as he adjusted another layer over her sleeping form.

In response she meekly shook her head, too weak to muster words. Wincing as she shifted inside the bed. She truly didn’t feel the pain from the fever that had taken ahold of her given the mental suffering held a stronger grip. “You aren’t going to leave are you?” She asked him, worried, so worried that he would leave and somebody would come in and take her away. A harm was her way…she couldn’t shake off the paranoia. Aemond even got their chambers changed so the sights of the walls she was violated in wouldn’t remind her of the same things. But it was of little help.

“No my love, I am right here.” He told her as he caressed her forehead through the warm cloth on her head, the maids took their leave in a bit and Aemond tried to coax his wife to sleep. “I won’t leave your side.”

“Aemond” she whimpered in a half conscious state, “I don’t want to go…”

Her worries made his heart sink to his stomach. Given the fever ridden state that she was in, his words would barely be reasoned with her. “You are not going anywhere, you are right here.” He tried to help her with same words in different ways, trying to assure her she was safe. “You are with me, you are safe.” Holding her hand, caressing her until she fell to slumber after a while.

Criston, visited him later that very night as Aemond was situated next to y/n restless and sorry for her state. Since she was deep into slumber he decided to have his usual meeting with Cole in the adjoining room, not that far from her. The council within the council went over the regret, remorse the plannings of upcoming action stations. Plotting ahead of others, however a heavy dread hung in the silent air of the room as Aemond stared at the board in front of him. Glancing back at the other room to make sure y/n was alright. “How is the Princess?” Cole asked.

Shaking his head, Aemond looked to the side into the fireplace. His eyes holding the same fire, “If grand sire didn’t insist on leaving her wounds open she wouldn’t be in this state.” He scoffed.

“Sorrow does not have words, grief simply grows disorderly.” Cole tried to counsel Aemond’s frustration.

“The maesters worked on her all evening. She refuses to eat, cannot situate in our previous chambers and she is growing restlessly frightened as if she is being hunted for sport.” Aemond briefed Cole about her state, “Can sorrow speak louder than this?”

The kingsguard did not have any response for Aemond’s ever so justified anger over the whole situation, “it is comfort to know she at least finds whatever consolation within you.”

Aemond did not exactly believe that despite their spark, but he couldn’t surpass their arguments either. However now it just felt like she had no other option but him to rely on, perhaps? Before he could dwell more on that thought he heard a stumble from the room. Immediately he rose to his feet to inspect what the noise was and y/n was out of her bed, rummaging through the shelf of books. “You are in no state to be out of bed” he said as he reached her in a few strides.

Yet she was focused on finding something through the bookshelf, ignoring Aemond’s concern. He caressed her forehead with the back and forth of his palm resulting the fever being steady and not elevated. He dismissed Cole with his regard of calling the maester. “Y/n, you have to get back to bed” he said as he gently tried to hold her up by her bicep.

“No!” She protested freeing herself out of his grasp, “I promised Jaehaerys I would read to him after dinner, I completely forgot.” Y/n informed him ever so casually as she continued rummaging through the bookshelf for the story book “I just can’t seem to find the book.”

Aemond’s heart broke at her state, her mind but be hazy from the tea of varying herbs in her system to help her through the fever yet, this was so much more painful. “Y/n…” he proceeded softly as he managed to pull her away from the bookshelf. “My love you have a really bad fever.” He would be dammed if he reasoned with her about their nephew this very moment.

“Aemond, I am fine. I must find that book-“ she was relentless to her cause. The few hours of fever sleep she had must have made her believe that the past few happenings were a bad nightmare. “I have to…I-“ reality seeped in and it felt like the walls all around her were breaking down. As if the world was crumbling to dust, “Aemond…I-i promised him.” Tears welled up her eyes as the realisation hit her but the denial was such an easier life to lead. “I promised I…I-i would read to him and I never—“ she couldn’t seem to finish her sentence as she broke down into tears.

No words were present to console her so Aemond enlaced her into his arms. Holding her against his chest tightly as he rubbed her back, “shh…” he said resting her chin on top of her head as her sobs filled the room.

The weight of the world crumbled on her shoulders, weakening her legs along with her spirit she fell to her knees as Aemond slowly held her down to the floor and situated her onto his lap. “Just breathe.”

“Jaehaerys-“ she wept into her hands, “He wanted me to read it to him-yesterday at that moment but I dismissed it for later-I��he made me promise him I’d read it to him…” she trailed off as she cried, her entire body trembling in Aemond’s arms. Her remorse was inconsolable.

“Loss of the boy cannot be compensated…in any way” Aemond said as he removed her hands from her face to look at her properly. Holding her face by her chin for her to meet his gaze, “his suffering is done. His spirit shall live on within us…with you. The love that you hold for him.”

Aemond’s words were not meant to console her because she couldn’t be. He wished for her to find some strength, help her mettle. “My thoughts are too loud” she confessed still crying, “all the blood, all his blood…Aemond he is so small, so young” she cried into his arms this time. Unable to breathe and meet his gaze simultaneously. “Every time I close my eyes I—I can’t see anything else and I hear the same words-the small folk over and over again.” She cried. “It is all too loud…”

He couldn’t tell apart if she was trembling out of her fever or her meltdown however he did not want to risk her well being any more. Aemond carried her up into his arm, his hand snaking through her waist and legs across his other arm. He carried her to the small distance of bed in bridal style instead of making her walk it. He nestled her back within the covers and remained close to her, wrapping his arms around her again. “What of the small folk?” He asked her.

“The funeral today, they kept on saying-daughter that never was…rogue prince’s first born-forsaken.” she said in between sobs, inconsolable sobs as he rubbed her back, easing her. “They said my mother’s name, my mother, I haven’t heard her name in so long” her voice came out broken as she cried and briefed him together. “They believe it is but Rhaenyra’s fault, it’s him. This is his doing, the blood—it’s all in his hand yet they all believe-“ she choked out her words. Her crying made it impossible to continue coherent words and thoughts, both.

Aemond’s eye widened in horror, he did not think the perception scenario at all. This is perhaps exactly what Otto wanted but its effect on his wife was un-fathomable. “Y/n.”

He told her a bit firmly and pulled away a bit to face her properly. “I want you to trust me, trust that I will not let Daemon get away. He will pay not just for this but all his missteps and wrongdoings to you all your life.” He told her, holding her face in his hands. “You have my word. He will pay.”

“Why must my life by subjected to misery and then vengeance for that misery?” She asked, extremely exhausted of this whole ordeal. All she wanted was to be rid of that man, be done with all the pain her father brought with him. “When shall this be done…when will I escape him?”

“You have.” He told her, his voice carrying no hint of hesitation even with his following words. “Because I love you. And for me to love you I haven’t had to know him, all his wrongdoings, because you are not what he has subjected your life to. You are what you have overcome, you are your strength and your wit and your resilience all of which you did not inherit from him.” He explained to her in a gentle manner as he fixed a loose strand of her hair behind her ear, “I love the lady that you have raised yourself to be. You are far away from him, you don’t have to worry or live behind him for I love you. I love you most thoroughly for all that you are, wholly, I am in love with you.”

-

HIIII please comment what you think I’ll post more regular updates from now on !!!

- 🏷️

@love-is-a-dagger @daddzawa @1109002 @void21 @annedub @teapartydreams @batmans-love @ih8books @oopsdownloadedrumblragain-blog @aemondwhoresworld @unsweetenedpeatea @immyowndefender @aleemendoza2425-blog @vane282-blog @atargaryenlover @targaryenswhxre @sabii5 @vibescanner @darylandbethfanforever9 @whiteoakoak @barnes70stark @radiantdanvers @starryhiraeth @lechat-rouge @esposadomd @lynnbells @rosey1981 @coutureisart @misspinkonmars @vieenr0se @duck-duck-goose2 @sansaints

[guided-by-stars]

It baffles me when I see other people going through Stars and Time and they get frustrated when 1. Bonnie pushes Siffrin into the tear, and 2. Siffrin doesn't find the key in the Head Housemaiden's office and they get softlocked. There's frustration that comes out in other points as well, but those are the two situations where I've seen it be the most intense. I've seen people yell at Bonnie, yell at Mirabelle, yell at Siffrin, genuine anger and annoyance, some people will hold grudges. Say that this choice is stupid, try to find a way to avoid looping back. Usually at that point, I know I'm not exactly going to have the most fun watching them play.

I think some people trap themselves in the expectations of the medium. They're approaching it as a game first, and an expression of art or a story with people in it second. It genuinely surprises me sometimes when people treat characters as...characters, and not people. Do you not try to immerse yourself in the world and circumstances when you engage with media? Take it seriously? I see people try to justify these deaths. Most people aren't frustrated with the rock death, because they justify it as being a tutorial. At the same time, people who are already grumbling about having to go through Dormont again on loop 1... I'm not sure if this experience is for them. Considering on my completion file I ended far past loop 200... Acts 3 and 4 alone often have so much PURPOSEFUL looping, sometimes all the way back to Dormont.

People justify the softlock as a "tutorial" for the icon that shows when you cannot progress that loop...but at that point it had already been shown how tutorials were not made to be obtrusive. The fighting tutorial was centered around Mirabelle's own anxiety, an anxiety that progresses and grows throughout their journey through the house. The Bonnie taking down an enemy tutorial? That's not locked to any fight, it happens the first time that Bonnie has the chance to do so, it could happen anywhere! Adrienne could have easily coded it so that the first time the player was softlocked, the tutorial for that icon would play there. That's not the point of it. The point of it was to show how self-depricating Siffrin is, at that point in the game. How he puts so much of his self worth on his role as the trap disarmer and the key finder. How he blames himself for everything. How he sees himself as a failure. If you could just figure out where the key was if you tried really hard or something, you'd miss all of that. Almost everything in this game has a point and the point almost always is to show you more about the characters.

The game is meant to make you play through it countless times. It's meant to show you the experience of Siffrin, someone who has no choice but to go through it countless times. It's not for padding, it's not to be mean spirited or unfair or difficult, it's to give you an EXPERIENCE. When you want to fast forwards through text but you have a feeling that something might have changed and you stop just in time to see new dialogue, when you notice Siffrin's smile fading from act to act, when you make sure to pick up every souvenir from Dormont every time you loop JUST IN CASE you need to use it somewhere in the House, when you are so thrown off by the rock in the Death Corridor that you become paranoid and check every pillar afterwards just in case... and then you get the Memory of Pillars for your troubles.

When you check Loop's advice for quests you've already completed, just to see what they say about it, when you select text options that are already greyed out because you want and hope and desire there to be more to the conversation...maybe this time? When you do the friend quests again in Act 4 and you don't skip through them because you have a feeling Siffrin will be feeling differently now, and he does, and it's an entirely different experience this time. When you get the Bright Flower and you forget to give it to your party and then you go to talk to the king and see you can offer him the flower? When you bring the flower with you every loop after that just in case there's another person you can give it too and then you realize you can give it to the Head Housemaiden? That's what ISAT is about.

[percygranate]

⚠️PSA – ickybatz is back! Predators on AO3⚠️

⚠️TW for Mentions of Child Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Minor Sexual Content, Pedophilia, GROOMING, and Pedophile Conversations. PLEASE read and reblog if you can.

IMPORTANT UPDATE: Demobatz is NOT ickybatz, also known as batty-ruski, battyrusk.

I made a mistake by assuming due to the names, and after being in contact with Demobatz, I edited the post. I apologize for this but don't fully regret calling them out, as it helped Demobatz realize they made a mistake and it brought a lot of attention to the issue of predators on AO3 and Tumblr.

In-depth explanation [HERE]!

This 13/16-year-old CHILD is out here asking for pedophilia requests and getting encouraged and groomed by predators.

I accidentally came across it, and I encourage you to report them and everyone interacting with their work. There is a difference between dark romance, dark fics, and straight-up romanticization of children being assaulted.

They write about these children actively partaking and enjoying it, hoping they can please the adult taking advantage of them. These works are clearly written for the type of person that gets off on it.

——— Update ———

Their way of writing to cope with past trauma was groomed and manipulated by predators on AO3.

——— Update ———

——— False Information | Demobatz isn't Ickybatz ———

So much for “Oh, they are a traumatized child and made a mistake.” They now know it's wrong and continue doing it, even worse than before. And people continue to support it.

Their fucking apology was absolute bullshit. And everyone that came to their defense should be ashamed of themselves.

——— False Information | Demobatz isn't Ickybatz ———

↓ Here are AO3 accounts supporting this. ↓

Yes, they put warnings on their work and say “Don’t Like It, Don’t Read It!” But I would like to show you what they are writing, and how they are getting the attention of predators. I am sure you have to agree with me that they and everyone supporting this need to lose any type of platform they own. Demobatz should NOT be in any contact with these men.

⚠️They encourage each others to write this and Demobatz, A 13/16-YEAR-OLD, is actively putting themselves in danger by making “friends” for roleplay, and exchanging social media, with very likely, PEDOPHILES. They are actively getting groomed by people that know what they are doing.⚠️

——————————————————

↓These are their two original works↓

Financial Struggles — The summary says it all. But I feel like I should point out their conversation under their post.

Mother’s Milk — Sexual Assault of a male baby.

——————————————————

↓This is their work in the Stranger Things Fandom↓

Their work “Deceit” which is taking requests and actively posting has, as of May 21st, 16 Chapters.

1 — “Using this as a coping mechanism for my own trauma. Please request, any age is allowed❤️”

2 — Eddie Munson, 25 y/o | Reader, 17 y/o

3 — Uncle Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson | Reader, 6 y/o

4 — Eddie Munson, 20 y/o | Reader, 12 y/o

5 — Steve, 19 y/o & Eddie, 20 y/o | Reader, 14 y/o

6 — Dad Steve | Reader, 8 y/o

7 — Dad Steve & Eddie | Reader, 8 y/o

8 — Big Brother Steve | Reader, 4 y/o

9 — Big Brother Billy Hargrove | Reader, 6 y/o

10 — “Posting this so that you all can give me ideas on what to post next❤️ Anything is allowed/ age can be whatever you want♡♡!”

11 — Billy & Steve | Reader, 3 y/o

12 — Hopper & Joyce | Reader, 4 y/o

13 — !BILLY HARGROVE AND A NEWBORN BABY!

14 — Billy | Reader, 6 y/o & Max, 7 y/o

15 — “It hasn't been a week and I'm almost at 2,000 reads! Thank you all so much♡♡ Feel free to drop suggestions, request or even ideas/blurbs♡♡”

16 — Big Brother Eddie / Reader over the years, starting at 6 y/o

——————————————————

They actively encourage pedophilia and put themselves on a silver platter for predators.

If you are still trying to justify these types of works, please do it off anon and openly so you can be blocked since you are part of the problem.

Do not send threats, bullying, or harassment their way. Block and Report.

If you know one or more of the interacting blogs, call them out.

⚠️UPDATE: 22nd of May⚠️

Dear fellow Bloggers, Demobatz pedophilia fic “Deceit” has been taken down!

Yet their two original works (mentioned above) are still there. I ask you to keep reporting them!

Demobatz is currently using Wit as their social media to exchange ideas for their CSA & incest Erotica, and worse, to roleplay with potential predators.

⚠️Update: May 25th⚠️

AO3 has removed their account or they deleted it themselves. Their Wit profile has been deleted.

Due to this post, my blogs keep getting shadowbanned and reported.

⚠️Update: May 26th⚠️

DEMOBATZ CONTACTED ME AND I CAN CONFIRM THIS APOLOGY TO BE REAL!

In-depth continuation and explanation [HERE]!

⚠️I turned off Reblogs as the original post with false information is still making rounds and therefore people are missing information.⚠️

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for refusing to pay my ex back money that I supposedly owe?

So, I was in a relationship with X for three years. We were engaged and lived together for one. During that time, we have some problem with money. Both of us lost our jobs kind of close together. We got new jobs, so rent wasn't really a problem, but day-to-day expenses like gas and groceries were.

X is trying to say that I owe them $1.4K or so because, during this time, they took out a couple of credit cards to make ends meet. They're claiming that I 1) knew ahead of time that they were taking out credit cards, and 2) agreed to pay them back when we were both in a more comfortable place.

I have no memory of this conversation we apparently had. I went through our messages (we use Discord so I had no problem searching for keywords) and nothing there, either.

During our relationship, X was always cagey about their finances. They have a bit of an independence complex because they want to establish themselves as capable without their parents. But that also meant that I never knew what bills they owed or how much — about anything. Even when they complained about costs, it was always vague.

Even agreeing to "pay them back" sounds weird to me because our relationship wasn't like that. We were partners and covered each other when we could, and repayment was never expected because, duh, we were planning to get married.

X has no evidence of me knowing about these credit cards in the first place, LET ALONE agreeing to pay anything back. They're claiming that they spent 24k in total on those cards in the year we were together, which seems INSANE to me. I have no idea how the fuck they managed to spend that much on two people.

They want me to pay them back because they took the credit cards out to support me, I guess — but, again, I never asked them to do that or even knew that they were. It's not like they were buying insanely fancy stuff, and they got paid more than me, so I just assumed their money was from their paychecks and they never said anything to make me thing that their debts were piling up.

I did offer to help them pay off some bills a couple of times, but they always declined. And I didn't offer out of obligation, I offered because I loved them.

But, tbh, even if I thought I did legitimately owe them money, I wouldn't pay them back, anyway, because we ended on very nasty terms and they still owe something like $4k to my parents, anyway.

So, AITA? Or at least justified in being "petty"?

[mejcinta]

Helaena's Displeasure and Forcefully Taking Attention (A Body Language Study).

Love, love, LOVE Phia's acting here. In the first picture, you can subtly see the confusion in Helaena's soft gaze the second she walks in ("Have you seen Dyana? She's supposed to dress the children..." *pauses*) and then the shock and outrage that dawns on her in the second picture, when she puts together what Aegon had done.

Her eyes are wider (notice you see more of the whites of her eyes in the second pic) and her lips are pressed into a tight, tense line as she freezes. She was displeased and shocked (the incident happened in their room!), but somewhat resigned. This is because she makes no drastic show with her body. Also, we never see her face when Alicent hugs her, although it is apparent that Aegon is staring at her while their mother comforts her.

Note that Helaena doesn't flinch from Alicent's touch this time, like she usually does. She actually *wants* the comfort this time. She must be pretty hurt.

Meanwhile, Aegon was just as stunned as Helaena when she walked in on him (his mouth fell agape, his fixed gaze on Alicent abruptly breaking to blink in surprise when Helaena appeared offscreen).

Notice how he stared back at her, fiddling (nervously) with the sheets covering his manhood out of embarrassment, when Alicent basically confirmed to Helaena what she feared had happened.

While Aegon was indifferent with Alicent and her justified lecture, he is clearly not happy with himself at what his actions has done to Helaena.

Because he cares? Who knows. But even being the mess of a husband he is, it seems that he acknowledges his wife is blameless, spotless and innocent in every way. She's done nothing but be the dutiful wife, the dutiful mother... yet he's caused her pain and continues to do so.

Aegon could be grappling here with why he never seems to get anything right. Why he never seems to please anyone. Why he only hurts and disappoints. Why he's insufficient.

Later at dinner, he gifts Helaena a beetle. A poor attempt at apologizing, yes, but it is all he knows, it seems, of Helaena's taste. And his characterisation so far (using ep 6 as reference for his bravado and boastfulness) is shown not to be conversant with the concept of admitting failure or defeat verbally.

Helaena plays with the beetle before dinner begins and even shows it off to Otto while they chat.

She inspects the gift in the background when Aegon teases Jace, glimpses at him and takes a swig of her wine, giggling subtly at Aegon's sex joke. Does she find this truly funny? Is the wine loosening her up? Or is this a sarcastic/knowing laugh given what happened earlier? Who knows.

The matter, however, seemed to have been turning in her mind. Because shortly after when she is seen thoughtfully stroking Aegon's beetle, she suddenly stands up to make the provoking toast:

"I would like to toast Baela and Rhaena. They'll be married soon. It isn't so bad...mostly he just ignores you. Except sometimes when he's drunk."

She must have been pondering the incident with Aegon and Alicent earlier and reliving the feelings she experienced. Her outrage, disappointment, discontent and hurt finally found an outlet in that toast.

The sigh she heaves out before sitting back down indicates that she had wanted to get things out of her chest and that speaking up had offered her some relief, even if it came at Aegon's expense lol (I think she was happy to embarrass him, personally. And she is justified).

Generally, my conclusion from this analysis of Helaena's body language is that:

1. She was pretty upset with Aegon's actions, 'ashamed' as Alicent implied earlier to Aegon.

2. Her spontaneous roast of him at the dinner, the sudden nature in which she jumped up, shows that she had in fact been brooding over the incident and was quite angry with him.

3. However, her laughter at Aegon's jokes imply that her sexual encounters with Aegon aren't forced like people want to believe. She isn't nervous beside him. In fact I'd argue Aegon is more wary of her than she could ever be of him.

4. Her understanding of sex is warped but it is clear she has her expectations and desires. That's why she jibes at Aegon's alcohol addiction. Perhaps she wishes they would bond sexually without alcohol being a necessity. Perhaps she wishes he didn't ignore her.

Her dull tone when she says "It isn't so bad mostly he just ignores you" shows that she's sad about that part of her marriage.

And when Jace gives Helaena attention in the form of asking for a dance she readily seizes the moment. Not because she likes him (this is Baela's betrothed and she clearly respects that), but because she desires to be showered with attention and if Aegon won't give it she'll take it from someone else while forcing Aegon to give HER attention.

Aegon struggles watching Jace dance with Helaena, and he clutches Helaena's beetle... mirroring her action of stroking it.

Again, Aegon is not the kind of man to admit defeat, so he seethes instead in silence as she dances.

In Tom Glynn Carney's words Aegon didn't want Jace to win by gaining a reaction from him.

So Helaena dances to her content, fanning Aegon's anger and jealousy while also gaining HIS attention and punishing him for how he wronged her earlier.

As Alicent well put it:

"Think of the shame on your wife..."

By accepting Jace's hand, Helaena consciously or unconsciously made Aegon experience the shame she went through earlier after his cowardly action.

In a way, this whole scene is a display of power play and the rift between man and wife. Much like Alicent requesting Rhaenyra take her infant up to her chambers was a challenge of power between rivals.

[twipsai]

ive been wanting to do something like this for a while, so here we go

Silver's straightforward attitude and anxieties: a poorly formatted analysis

Silver's anxiety is something i havent seen talked about a lot, and im really just barely going beneath the surface here -- i hope i did it justice in anyway sfdkSKHJFDSKFH i think about his obvious anxiety disorder a lot

transcript of all the text i added under the cut incase its hard to read for some ppl ^_^

image 1 (source: IDW #8): "isnt really used to banter, got worried he actually offended Sonic"

"he worries a lot about not being useful, because thats pretty much his entire purpose in life. if hes not doing something, he will find something to do (badly) or panic. he gets nervous at the slightest insinuation that he mightve messed up because the last thing he ever wants to do is get in anyones way."

"for how powerful he is and how much shit he talks, Silver doesnt really think very good about himself or his own worth."

image 2 (source: Sonic Universe #82): "its hard to say anything here that i havent already said, its just another example os Silver having issues with his self wroth, and also a lot of his motivation coming from protecting the people he loves (and, more generally, protecting the world), considering a page after this he gets up and completely wrecks the Second Devourer"

image 3 (source: IDW #8): "Silver will take pretty much anything literally. he lacks the social skills to identify when someones being serious bc he grew up completely alone"

image 4 (source: IDW #14): "he cant lie (is both bad at it, and it really just doesnt cross his mind to do so), but he can change the subject"

"he also really doesnt like it when people are worried about him -- almost every time people show concern for him, he tries (and fails) to lie or change the subject"

image 5 (source: IDW #14): "he didnt see anything suspicious about [Starline giving the "vault code"] because he doesnt usually assume people lie directly to him, its just not something that usually crosses his mind"

image 6 (source: IDW #60, TSR interview): "Silver's rudeness, his naivete, misunderstanding of jokes/quips/banter, inability to lie, it all stems from his straightforwardness. its simple, but but oftentimes effective (yes i chose a bad page to showcase when it works, ignore that)"

"Silver doesnt like to beat around the bush or show off too often. go in, defeat the bad guys, get out. it ties in with his anxiety of the future -- time is always of the essence"

"Q: What are some of your favorite items to use during the race?

Silver: [...]but the Jade Wisps' "Ghost" is the only one I like. I can disappear and focus on the race."

"it does make him forget to stratagize and cooperate with his friends sometimes, though, when his first instinct is "hit it until it stops moving""

image 7 (source: Sonic Rivals 2): "im not really going over his bluntness in this, but literally the entirety of Rivals 2 covers that. he doesnt think to hide what hes doing because he knows hes in the right, so he just expects everyone else to know that. he expects people to believe him just because hes telling the truth. he doesnt see why he would have a reason to lie, so he never thinks to justify his actions."

"a lot of this bluntness is also shown in IDW #64 -- Silver cant be stealthy and observe someone from afar to save his life when he knows hes right about them. he really takes no time to explain that Duo is Mimic before Whisper steps in and attacks Mimic, even though if he took the time to talk through what happened, he probably couldve convinced Lanolin of Duo's true nature"

image 8 (source: IDW annual 2022): "Silver has pretty much zero idea how to navigate the world outside of helping other people and saving the world. he is almost constantly in "survival mode" and doesnt know how to handle low-stakes"

"(he sometimes takes casual conversation too seriously because of this)"

"he is constantly worried about the future. to an almost unhealthy degree sometimes, its often all he thinks about. when he knows exactly what to do, he comes off as confident and powerful, but when he doesnt know what to do..."

"...he completely spirals. to him, an uncertain future is worse than a doomed one. not knowing how to fix things is one of the most terrifying thoughts to him."

"if Espio hadn't been here to calm him down, i think its super likely he'd have had an anxiety attack."

image 9 (source: Sonic Generations, IDW #64, Team Sonic Racing, Sonic Universe #79): "like, i truly cannot emphasize enough how he cannot relax. anything can be a threat, and if he doesnt see an immediate one, he will find something that is one. "

"he can rarely calm down, because every second hes in the past is another second he should be saving the future"

"i cant properly showcase it here, but if you run past him in Gens, he'll immediately be on-guard."

"he has to always be looking for the next world-destroying foe, it's pretty much his default setting."

"there are tons more examples of his overt anxiety, but these are some of the more prominant examples."

image 9 (source: Archie Sonic #235): "we even see in the traitor arc in archie how Silver is constantly paranoid. the idea never crosses his mind that there is no traitor, because something is always wrong. hes like a machine built to find a problem with no off switch"

"almost anything can set him off and make him untrusting of anyone, because thats the only way he knows how to live. anything can be a threat in his eyes, and when there is no threat, he will either find one or panic that he cant find one."

"because when you spend your entire life fighting,"

"how else are you supposed to live?"

[shesnake]

I wanted to know your thoughts on this but do you think it's fair to say either Louis or Armand are abusive in their relationship? Idek if this is a valid angle to view the characters from because I guess they're all monsters or whatever but a part of me thinks that it's kinda lukewarm to refuse to engage with the complicated themes of the show, which abuse is featured heavily and pretty clearly imo. This isn't aimed at you btw. Something I noticed is people tend to use some of Louis's less favorable moments to justify the violence he experiences. Like that post about Armand just matching Louis energy in ep 5, most of the notes are taking the stance that Louis is a cold, unempathic pimp who doesn't care about sa victims, that Armand genuinely is completely right when he says he is always cleaning up after Louis that he was only worried and tenderhearted and Louis escalated in the worst way and that after Louis said that he deserved everything that happened after. And I may be biased but to me that is so fucking crazy. To me it seems like fans, specially nonblack fans, have zero empathy for black abuse victims, actively enacting abuse culture even. But idk if that is a too reactive view. I don't want to say Louis isn't flawed because he is. But I mean we are watching the season about Armand getting Claudia killed on purpose and somehow people are still like Maybe Armand didn't do it, maybe it was all Louis, maybe Louis really asked for it. All of it. I think there's a problem there but idk I kinda feel a little crazy too. Btw disclaimer I fuckin hate Lestat this is not about comparing Loumand/Loustat lol

hi! and wow there is so much to discuss here...

I think it is fair to describe the actions of both Louis and Armand towards each other as abusive by definition but it's always important to remember that it is Armand in the position of greater power over him. Armand is older, stronger, owns dominion. He can walk in the sun, manipulate memories, and live without constant debilitating hunger for blood - all of which are things that impede Louis from being his own person outside of Armand.

Louis also faced this same predicament when he was with Lestat, but unlike Armand who uses his own innate powers against Louis, Lestat mostly used his social advantages of whiteness, wealth etc in addition to withholding key knowledge about vampirism to keep himself in control and Louis dependent on him.

and sure Louis can lash out all he wants! He can mock Armand's sexual trauma (trauma which Armand himself already gets them both to fetishise... but that's a whole different conversation...) he can hit back when Lestat hits him but when he's with either of those guys he is always going to be the victim. Nothing shitty he does to his partners, or to Claudia, or to Daniel, justifies what is being done to him by these men.

There absolutely has to be anti-blackness involved in any argument that says Louis deserves any of this. (Of course Armand as a brown South Asian man is not immune from fandom racism but his treatment is racialised in a different way that is also a different conversation). Any negative behaviour from a Black man is going to be seen by racists as exponentially more aggressive than it is, especially the cross-section with those you mentioned who aren't engaging with the complicated themes of this show exploring abuse.

They can see that Louis yelling at Armand is bad, but don't notice that Armand is being manipulative. They can see that Louis stabbing Lestat that one time during sex is bad (and still sexualise it), but don't notice that Louis is disassociating in every sex scene he has with Lestat afterwards (because they're too busy sexualising it). They can see that Louis making Daniel upset is bad, but don't notice that Daniel has been leveling dozens of racist and homophobic micro-aggressions at him since episode 1.

Armand got a few minutes to tell his tragic backstory in Louvre, Lestat had 2 or 3 different scenes in season 1 to recall his own. It's just been words. Meanwhile racists erase Louis' experiences with trauma because they never had enough fucking empathy for him to begin with to even register it happening to him! on screen! in real time! right in front of us!

And yeah Louis and Armand and Loumand are incredibly complex and compelling, and I do enjoy seeing Louis' moments of cruelty towards Armand! But he's never going to win against him in the game Armand built for him.

And in terms of Claudia, I do think that Louis failed her, as he has always failed her. And is responsible for her death in that regard. But that failure involved letting those other two fucking sharks eat her!!! I personally haven't seen anyone pushing the blame completely off Armand and onto Louis but I wouldn't be surprised. This week I've more pissed off about people levelling it all on Armand and think of Lestat as an unwilling participant.... this is of course the blonde white vampire show....

anyways sorry this is so long! thanks for the message this was really interesting to think about.

[strawberrycarat]

I think Alicent’s plot would’ve been more interesting if, instead of taking her screen time to show us her swimming (nothing really important for the plot) or talking with Larys (those conversation lead nowhere since the blackmailing thing with Alicent’s feet was long forgotten in season 1) we could’ve had this scenes:

Her when Aemond returned and gave the news of Lucerys’ death. Her reaction, her disgust in her eyes to Aemond’s actions would’ve justified Aemond’s feeling rejected by his mother and going to the brothel (I don’t know, maybe Aemond trying to touch her arm to reassure her and her going backwards).

Alicent IS a very religious person. Instead of all of Criston’s post-sex-guilty scenes (use only 1 or whatever), she could’ve been seen praying for forgiveness for her son (Aemond) since he’s now a Kinslayer (it is something really horrendous in Westeros, a line no one should cross…, it’s literally a stigma Aemond has to live with the rest of his life. I don’t understand why they didn’t show more importance to it in the series - why Aegon is not a bit intimidated by it or Alicent horrified - Alicent acts pretty much normal, only not wanting Aemond in the council room at first but she doesn’t act… afraid of him? Until he takes the Prince Regent place) it would’ve make more sense of Alicent talking about Aemond’s soul with a Septon or something like that so we can understand Alicent would never see her son the same and she knows he’s dangerous, even for his own family.

After Jaehaerys’ death, instead of acting victim, Alicent could’ve point out Aemond’s curse as Kinslayer as the culprit. Aemond could’ve visit often the brothel and that would’ve been more justified (and, why did Ryan forgot to add Aemond talking or reacting to his nephew’s death….? Like no scene with Helaena or at least with him watching baby Jaehaera grabbing one of Jaehaerys’s toys or whatever to make him feel even more guilty?)

Alicent scene of her in horror during the small council with Prince Regent would’ve felt more organic then. She could realise after Aegon’s burns that Aemond is truly a menace and she should be afraid of him and that would justify her trying to protect Helaena, not wanting her to go ride her dragon with Aemond because the last time he did it, his sibling almost die. Add Maelor being in Helaena’s belly? Even more afraid for Helaena since Aemond feels he’s about to be king If Aegon dies, but if Helaena is pregnant and gives birth to a boy…

So, if they wanted to go with Rhaenyra’s reunion in the last episode, she could’ve told her to kill Aemond instead of Aegon (since killing Aegon would only make people think the greens didn’t surrender and they could want crown Aemond and Daeron as Aegon’s successors).

Also, instead of Alicent feeling ‘at peace’ in the last scene, she could’ve had a meltdown… she’s the one that scare Aegon all his life telling him that Rhaenyra would kill him cause he was a menace… and now she will… because his own mother made him king and then went behind his back to plot with Rhaenyra to save only Helaena and Jaehaera. She should feel at least a bit guilty.

I really like Olivia’s acting… but honestly, half of her scenes in the season are not useful for the plot. The show was 2 episodes shorter and still they decided to show us Alicent swimming? Or having sex multiple times with Criston? Or speaking with Larys about nothing? I can accept that in a show with 10 or 12 episodes, but don’t waste any screen time in a show with only 8 episodes.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

By Julia Doubleday

This week, the head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), Jeanne Marrazzo, sat down with Stat News to discuss succeeding Anthony Fauci amid public concerns over ongoing H5N1 and mpox outbreaks.

The conversation yielded a staggering admission from Dr. Marrazzo as she downplayed risks of a bird flu pandemic:

"Can I make a quick digression? We recently had a long Covid [research] meeting where we had about 200 people, in person. And we can’t mandate mask-wearing, because it’s federal property. But there was a fair amount of disturbance that we couldn’t, and people weren’t wearing masks, and one person accused us of committing a microaggression by not wearing masks. And I take that very seriously. But I thought to myself, it’s more that people just want to live a normal life. We really don’t want to go back. It was so painful. We’re still all traumatized. Let’s be honest about that. None of us are over it."

This jaw-dropping justification is perhaps more jaw-dropping given that Dr. Marrazzo was not asked to comment on the meeting but broached the topic herself. Her statement clarifies that she and other public health officials don’t wear masks because they find basic disease control to be psychologically triggering. Let’s unpack the layers of anti-science, anti-patient, anti-public health and anti-reality rhetoric - not to mention rancid ableism- in this statement.

First let’s consider the context. Dr. Marrazzo is not referring to masking generally, although any public health official who is informed about the cumulative risks of COVID infections like long-term disability and brain damage should be. She is specifically justifying a refusal to mask at a Long COVID research meeting.

The RECOVER-TLC meeting in Bethesda at the end of September gathered hundreds of scientists, medical professionals and patients to discuss Long COVID. What is Long COVID? Let’s use the definition offered in a recent review article published in Nature Medicine:

"Long COVID represents the constellation of post-acute and long-term health effects caused by SARS-CoV-2 infection; it is a complex, multisystem disorder that can affect nearly every organ system and can be severely disabling. The cumulative global incidence of long COVID is around 400 million individuals, which is estimated to have an annual economic impact of approximately $1 trillion—equivalent to about 1% of the global economy. Several mechanistic pathways are implicated in long COVID, including viral persistence, immune dysregulation, mitochondrial dysfunction, complement dysregulation, endothelial inflammation and microbiome dysbiosis."

In other words, a quite serious, quite common outcome of SARS-COV-2 infection with a multitude of physical markers, poised to drastically disrupt world economies. Even after vaccination, Long COVID risk remained around 3-4% in a recent study. Long COVID can follow any COVID infection and affect anyone, and risks are known to be cumulative. That means reinfections continue to raise your risk of developing Long COVID. COVID is an airborne virus, transmitted by sharing air with infected individuals.

To debunk several misapprehensions, there is no special kind of person who gets Long COVID. There is, conversely, no special, “healthy” kind of person who cannot develop Long COVID. A person who has had COVID three times and feels okay is not now “immune” to Long COVID. No one has long-term immunity to COVID, and vaccinations can reduce the risk of, but not entirely prevent, COVID infections. COVID spreads in our communities at high rates year-round, with late-September wastewater data showing about half a million cases per day, or one in 57 Americans infected.

But experts gathering at a meeting about Long COVID should be well aware of all of the above.

In year five of the ongoing COVID pandemic, we have plenty of tools to ensure that a meeting- even an indoor, in-person meeting- remains safe for all attendees. Mitigation measures that would have reduced the risk of COVID transmission include adequate ventilation, CO2 monitoring, HEPA filtration, on site testing, Far UVC technology, and- of course- the use of high-quality, respirator style masks. While patients were easy to identify in respirators, many of the government officials and scientists who spoke plainly chose to make the space more dangerous for people with Long COVID.

The Sick Times noted that the lack of accessibility, the risk of reinfection for patient attendees paired with a poor-quality livestream, undercut the meeting’s message of urgency and care around the treatment of Long COVID.

Meetings among experts could easily serve as a gold standard for airborne disease mitigation, modeling how to prevent infections and therefore, inevitably, more Long COVID cases. Airborne disease mitigation could and should be the first line of defense against Long COVID; it is the one and only tool we have that is proven to be effective vs the little-understood disease. This is especially important at this early stage, when treatments are so limited, with no proven path to recovery and certainly no “cure”.

But Dr. Marrazzo and her colleagues, instead of focusing on how to halt the spread of COVID at their Long COVID research meeting, are focused on how to preserve their psychological denial that they, personally, are special people who are not at risk of developing Long COVID.

There is no scientific basis for this idea; it is the fantasy of the crowd, the collective delusion of people much less informed than they are, who are desperate to resume pre-pandemic life and have been fed years of propaganda about COVID’s supposed harmlessness. To participate in this public delusion rather than attempt to pop it is a social decision, not a scientific one. Marrazzo’s statement admits as much.

Marrazzo notes that there was a “fair amount of disturbance” that researchers continue to refuse to mitigate COVID while claiming to want to address the Long COVID crisis. She goes on to state that “one person” accused the group of “committing a microaggression” by not wearing masks, obliquely referring to longtime HIV/AIDS and COVID activist JD Davids. But Davids was far from the only activist angry with the lack of mitigations.

Long COVID patients have been exceedingly clear, for months and years, about their ongoing anger that even doctors explicitly engaged in COVID work refuse to practice mitigations. This failure to mitigate is violence that very literally harms, disables and kills people.

Long COVID patients participating in medical studies like this one at Stanford have been forced to drop out of critical research projects due to staff’s refusal to mask, take airborne precautions, and provide protection from reinfection in dangerous healthcare facilities.

Twitter user Michael Coyle stated in February 2023 that, “my partner and I have both dropped out of a multi-decade (longitudinal) health study, and I dropped out of a COVID transplant study because they weren't taking airborne precautions.”

In July of this year, Jordan Crane wrote, “I have had to withdraw from the Stronger study run by @georgeinstitute in collaboration with @monashuni, 11 months in. LC patients should not be exposed to reinfection during trials aimed at helping those with LC, but that's exactly what @monashuni are doing.”

This is not only immoral, it is bad science; if research teams reinfect Long COVID patients, as well as potentially infecting control subjects, any purported results of said studies would be corrupted and invalid.

If the public at large can claim ignorance- they have, after all, been repeatedly told that risks of COVID infection are minimal and comparable to other common viruses- public health officials have no such excuse.

And why is it, by the way, that the public is so certain that repeated, continual infection with COVID-19 will not harm them? Could it have something to do with the fact that researchers, doctors and public health officials continue to appear in public unmasked, clearly communicating that continual reinfections are safe and nothing to fear?

NIAID officials and other health professionals masking at a large, indoor meeting serves multiple critical public health purposes: one, it avoids spreading the virus, which would create new Long COVID cases. Two, it conveys to the public that SARS-COV-2 infections are not harmless, that Long COVID is serious and can develop from any case of COVID. And three, it expresses that prevention is the most vital- and really, the only- tool we currently have to effectively fight Long COVID.

Marrazzo states that she took public criticism of the lack of masks “seriously”. She then goes on to provide an entirely unserious response, dismissing said criticism by whining, “people just want to live a normal life.”

What, exactly, is meant by this? What population is seen as “people”, who is excluded, and what is “normal” in the construction of this odd sentence?

Quite clearly, Marrazzo and her colleagues do not want to live the life Long COVID patients and other disabled people are now forced to live- a life of continual infection avoidance. They do not want to wear masks, be associated with those who wear masks, be seen as “disabled,” as “other,” as “sick,” “vulnerable” or “abnormal”. They want to be normal- in other words, abled and ableist.

They do not want to be stigmatized, like the abnormal patients they claim to serve.

They do not want to stand out from the crowd of abled people who are healthy enough to tolerate another COVID infection- the “normal” people who aren’t annoying or weird or old or sick or dying.

Like normal (abled) people, they want to spread COVID in peace, while pretending they do not know the damage it inflicts. Like normal people, they want to use conferences as an opportunity to have their photos taken and network over cocktails. Like all the normal people who continue to exclude Long COVID patients from public spaces, these officials, too, will not be making it any easier for sick people to be safe outside their homes. Like normal people, they are going to operate under the assumption that Long COVID and disability cannot happen to them.

Because no study, no statistic, no patient, and no research can educate a medical professional out of ableism, the unmasked people who attended this meeting have all the information in front of them, and yet cannot understand that they, too, are at risk of disability.

Marrazzo goes on to say that she and her colleagues “don’t want to go back” because “it was so painful.” What was? Disease control? The thing public health literally exists to do? Because COVID is still very much with us - 1 in 57 Americans currently positive, you recall? Long COVID patients, disabled people, and people who are avoiding infection do not have any choice but to practice mitigations, and to do so with extreme strictness, given the lack of any coordinated disease control coming from the top. Every day, this task is made harder by the abdication of public health leaders who prioritize the comfort of the most privileged over the safety of the most vulnerable.

Patients are not merely harmed by the superspreader events Marrazzo and her colleagues continue to hold- although they and surrounding communities certainly are harmed by the spread of the virus itself- they are also harmed by the blasé attitude of officials which leads the families and friends of Long COVID patients to doubt the seriousness of their condition, or the need for precautions. Long COVID patients are unsafe in their own homes because masking has been so stigmatized that their own spouses, parents, and children will not stop reinfecting them.

If the head of the NIAID declares that she cannot wear a mask because she wants to be “normal,” what hope does an ill patient have to convince her husband to buck the social, political and professional pressure he faces in public life to consistently mask? When the very public health leaders who should be stressing the importance of tools that prevent reinfections are stigmatizing them, framing them as weird, abnormal and scary?

Lastly Marrazzo insists that researchers cannot wear masks because “we’re still all traumatized,” and “none of us are over it.”

A moment for the absurdity of the statement that you cannot use a safety tool that very literally saved lives during a traumatic event because you’re psychologically triggered by it. It is akin to saying you can’t wear a seatbelt because you were in a bad car accident and people died. Go to therapy. Wear the seatbelt. Definitely do not project your personal psychological problem with seatbelts onto the people fighting for auto safety.

Watching people get infected and die during a pandemic is certainly traumatizing. But…masks didn’t do that. SARS-COV-2 did. The same virus you’re spreading when you refuse to acknowledge and mitigate it, despite being well-aware of the long-term and cumulative harms of continual reinfections. By claiming the mask is triggering your trauma by reminding you of COVID, you are essentially saying that you exist in a state of utter denial that COVID currently surrounds you.

It’s doubly astounding to dare use the word “trauma” to describe the relationship of health officials toward masks while dismissing the trauma of patients being gaslit, ignored, further disabled, and forcibly reinfected by society at large- all while those who claim to want to heal them participate in stigmatizing the best prevention tool available.

Long COVID patients are traumatized by their illness, their abandonment, their social stigmatization, the relationships they continue to lose, in many cases the loss of careers and homes, and their utter exclusion from public life. Public health officials are not “traumatized” by having to mitigate the disease that inflicted and continues to inflict all of those actual traumas.

There is a social and cultural problem within public health institutions regarding airborne disease control. Broader social norms of ignorance and denial of the virus’s harms- which were themselves seeded by mainstream politicians and media, whose rhetoric was in turn cribbed from far-right libertarian thinktanks- have been absorbed into medical and public health settings.

The stigmatization of masking certainly began on the far right, but as Biden’s administration sought to normalize recurrent COVID reinfections and push people “back to normal,” Democrats joined in on the political project to socially destroy the tool humans would have killed for in centuries past. To be able to make use of respirators is not a burden or traumatic- it is a gift, not to mention a privilege that many around the world cannot access. People gathering for a Long COVID meeting should be all the more grateful, knowing full well the outsize outcomes such a small device can prevent.

It is a shame, a failure, and a shock to hear a public health official with so much power contribute to anti-mask sentiment amidst spreading mask bans which will kill disabled people. At a time when public health should be educating the public about the importance of mitigation, stressing the value of these tools, people in power are declaring masks weird and abnormal, contributing to further stigmatization of those who need these devices to even enter public spaces.

It is shockingly anti-science to hear a public health official disparage disease control technology at the altar of fascist social norms that seek to disappear disabled people from public entirely.

Dr. Marrazzo’s words reveal that she does not identify with Long COVID patients, nor does she see them as “people” who deserve to be a part of “normal” life. Only the able-bodied- those who have not yet been disabled by COVID- have a right to “normal,” which is defined by the disappearance of accessibility, disease mitigation, and medical devices. Trauma is not what has been and continues to be inflicted on those most harmed by COVID, it is what is experienced when a doctor sees a mask and, for just a second, remembers what it felt like to be scared, to feel vulnerable, to feel like maybe illness and death weren’t things that come only for the weak, the lesser, and the old.

But those days are over.

[kiarastromboli]

Teach me 5 (Chris Sturniolo x y/n)

Part.1 Part.2 Part.3 Part.4

Masterlist.

Warning: angst, mention of selfharm, arguing.

Summary: After a challenging party and a disagreement with her mother, Y/N finds herself alone, confronted by her darkest thoughts. She hits rock bottom, but something prevents her from taking irreversible actions.

Note: This part will address sensitive subjects such as depression and self-harm. If you're not comfortable with these topics, please do not read. I want to emphasize that my intention is not to romanticize distress or depression. If you're struggling and need help, there are people around you. My DMs are open for anyone who feels the need to talk. You are not alone. 🫶🏻

•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•.•

How could I be so stupid, even though my parents warned me about boys like Chris?

Liars, manipulators who can't control their desires and needs.

And I, like the naive and innocent little virgin I was, fell for it.

I fell for it, and I believed it for two years, believed it to the point of tearing my fucking heart out of my chest.

I can't believe I could be so damn foolish.

Is this what being blinded by love is like? Is this what it's supposed to mean?

Is that why they keep lecturing us teenagers that we don't know what real love is?

If he lied to me that night, then it means he lied to me every other night.

If he truly loved me as he claimed, he would never have dared to do such a thing to me.

How could he look me in the eyes and tell me all those bullshit while he was already dating another girl?

I thought he was honest and sincere; he had the same look as the first time he said 'I love you,' and now it all seemed like a fucking lie.

I knew that sleeping with him that night wasn't supposed to mean anything, and since we were supposed to remain friends, it's not the fact that he's with another girl that hurts me.

It's the fact that he lied to me, making me believe I was the only one in his heart.

I was warned about him; Julia told me to be careful, and even my father told me it was better if I went to the other end of the country to cut contact with him.

But I didn't want to believe all that because I was charmed by a few kisses and conversations that I thought were meaningful until now.

I wish it were just a lie, but that night, just before leaving Julia's party, I saw Tess and Chris kissing in the middle of the crowd, and I felt like I was going to die of heartbreak.

He was kissing her right here in front of everyone, which means he didn't even bother hiding it from me anymore.

Was it a way of getting back at me for what i did ?

Why did he make me believe he didn't hold a grudge against me? Why did he play with my fucking heart like that?

I was so ashamed that I didn't even bother explaining the situation to Julia; I went home and locked myself in my room.

Waking up this morning, I saw a ton of missed messages and calls from Julia. Shit, I didn't think to tell her I was leaving; she must have been worried...

In addition to feeling like shit because of Chris, I naturally had to wake up with a hangover.

I'm pathetic, this whole story is ridiculous.

"You came home very late last night; I thought you'd be back today," my mother said, arms crossed, upon seeing me enter the kitchen.

Great, now I'll have to face her, and judging by the expression on her face, I suspect our conversation won't be pleasant. That's just what was missing!

"I didn't feel very well last night; I preferred to come home," I told her, opening the kitchen cupboard to take a mug.

"Did you drink?" she asked, exhaling.

"Mom, I told you it was a party for my return, and-" I barely had time to finish justifying myself; she had already resumed speaking.

"I thought you had changed, that you had improved, but I see it's worse. How do you think your father will react to this, y/n?" she said, distressed.

I sighed before she could speak again. "Seriously, y/n, do you think it's an appropriate way for a young woman like you to behave? Have you thought about what people will think of us seeing you like this?"

"Damn, don't you ever get tired of bringing everything back to you?" I snapped, and she jumped at the sound of my raised voice.

"My whole fucking life, I played the role you wanted me to play, and I never complained!" I said, furious.

"You sent me to the other end of the country without even giving me a choice, forcing me to rebuild my life and leave the people I love!"

"Do you have any idea how challenging it is to be your daughter, Mom? Do you know what it's like to have this kind of education when you grow up around normal parents and teenagers?"

"Yes, I made some mistakes, and you never-" I paused, letting out a fake laugh. "Never failed to remind me!"

"But all the good things I've done, all the good grades, all the people I've helped, everything I've done to please you and help you, you've never commented on that," I said, disgusted.

"You never congratulated me; you never said you were proud of me. And no matter how much effort I put into it, I was never enough for you or Dad!"

"I hid behind this role of the perfect little girl. I hid all my pain and kept my head high, hoping that one day you would be proud. But the truth is, you'll never be because you don't love me. You love the girl I pretend to be, but you hate the girl I am!" I said before leaving the kitchen in tears to lock myself in my room again.

This day couldn't get any more horrible than it already was.

My mother tried knocking on my door, but I stayed there in my bed.

I didn't want to face her anymore; I didn't want to talk to her. It was already hard enough.

Why was my life so chaotic? Why don't I deserve happiness?

Why do things always have to get worse?

What did I do wrong to deserve this?

I didn't even know who I was and what I was supposed to be.

At that moment, I would have given anything to go back to the other end of the country, far from my parents.

But I knew that there, I would have given anything to come back to Boston, close to those I love.

I was lost and alone.

I had no one to share my pain with and no one to hug.

It turns out the only person I might have wanted to embrace was just a liar and an opportunist.

I wrapped myself in my blanket, closed the curtains, and turned off the lights.

I spent the day like that without moving a muscle.

Night came, bringing darkness with it.

Activity on the street outside my house diminished, giving way to silence.

My mother had given up and stopped knocking on my door.

My tears flowed and rested on my face until they turned cold.

I didn't know how long I had stayed like that, but I knew it was a long time.

I kept thinking about all the things I might have done wrong in my life.

I searched for the reason why everything was going so wrong.

Was it because I wasn't grateful enough to have a roof over my head?

Was it because I had been a spoiled child?

Was it because I didn't make enough effort?

Was it because I wasn't a good enough friend? Or a good enough daughter?

Was it because I am a bad person?

Am I a bad person?

Is it legitimate for me to feel this bad?

Am I not exaggerating?

After all, there are worse things in life, right?

People are dying out there, losing their loved ones, and I'm crying because a boy lied to me?

I'm crying because I'm just an unloved child?

A child who only wants to be recognized and appreciated.

What did I do wrong, damn it?

The more my thoughts chained together, the harder it became to breathe.

I had a weight in my chest, and I could feel it deep inside me.

I had cried so much that my sinuses hurt, and my eyes were swollen.

It was hard, so hard. What was I supposed to do?

How was I going to be able to continue living with this weight on my chest?

Dark and obscure thoughts took over my mind.

Thoughts that I was ashamed of, thoughts so awful that I couldn't bring myself to recount them to you.

I wanted to do something bad; I got up and grabbed the blade from my pencil sharpener on my desk.

And before I could reach my bed again, I was interrupted by my window opening.

I turned around in shock, falling face to face with Chris. Damn it, why did he always have to do that?

The blade slipped from my fingers and fell to the floor at that moment.

"Shit," I whispered, quickly bending down to retrieve it.

"What's this?" Chris asked, eyebrows furrowed, pointing at my closed hand.

"Chris, get out of my room right now," I told him sharply.

He scrutinized my face for a moment before speaking again. "Were you crying? Y/n, what's wrong? What are you hiding in your hand?" he asked, concerned.

"It's none of your fucking business. Just leave; I don't want you here!" I said, feeling anger rise again.

"Wow, I haven't done anything. Why are you talking to me like this? Seriously, I'm getting worried. What's going on?" he asked, confused, approaching me.

On reflex, I put the hand holding the blade behind my back when he reached my level, only making him more worried.

"Chris, I'm warning you; I'll call my parents if you don't leave my room now!" I panicked before he grabbed my arm.

"What are you hiding, Y/n? Open your hand!" he said, getting angrier and trying to open my hand.

"Chris, stop – let go of me, stop!" I said, succumbing and crying when he started overpowering me.

I tried to struggle, but he had much more strength than me. It didn't take him long to open my hand and find the blade.

His expression changed; he furrowed his eyebrows and looked up at me.

"What were you doing when I came into your room?" he asked, well aware of what my answer would be.

Tears started flowing again, and this time, I was filled with shame. I couldn't even bring myself to speak, so I just stood there, looking at him with teary eyes.

"Y/n," he said in a fragile voice.

"Why?" he asked, his gaze sad.

"Chris, I want you to leave," I told him amid my sobs.

"No, not until you explain why," he said, shaking his head.

I lifted my head before taking a deep breath to try and stop my tears.

"And why don't you explain your little story with Tess then!" I told him, changing the subject.

"Wait, are you serious, y/n? Don't change the subject," he said, completely confused.

"Chris, what I was about to do is none of your business anymore, not since the moment you lied to my face, making me believe I was special to you," I said, pushing him away.

"But what are you talking about, y/n? I never lied to you," he said, shaking his head.

"Then why didn't you tell me you were with her!" I raised my voice.

"What?" he said, even more confused.

"Chris, I want you to leave; I don't want to deal with this shit right now," I said, turning my back to him.

"Y/n, I'm not fucking dating her. Where did you get that idea?" he said, placing his hand on my shoulder, trying to turn me around.

"Why do you keep lying, Chris? She came to ask me to keep my distance from you, emphasizing that you two are together!" I told him, turning around and brushing his hand off my shoulder.

"Do you really believe that nonsense?" he said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"I saw you kissing her," I said, clenching my jaw and trying to hold back my tears.

He opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, taking a step back.

I sighed. "Damn it, Chris, you're such a jerk," I said, shaking my head.

"Y/n, it's not like that. It's really not what you think," he began to try and justify himself before I cut him off again.

"It's not what I think?" I said, raising my voice and eyebrows.

"Oh, so your tongue wasn't in her mouth?" I said, crossing my arms.

"Y/n, I know it can be misleading, but..." he began to try and explain before I cut him off again with a laugh.

"Misleading?! Chris, seriously?" I said, biting my lip.

"Please, let me explain, y/n," he said, grabbing my hands, but I didn't let him. I pulled back.

"I don't need you to explain, Chris; it's very fucking clear," I said, nodding my head.

"Y/n, please," he said desperately.

"Get out, Chris," I told him sharply.

He looked at me with furrowed eyebrows, not moving.

"For God's sake, just get the fuck out; I want you to leave!" I screamed, pushing him.

"I'm not going to leave you alone when you were about to hurt yourself, y/n. You can be as mad at me as you want, but I won't leave this room until I know you're safe," he said, standing his ground.

"Oh, now you're worried about me?!" I said, laughing.

"You're getting yourself worked up over nothing. I haven't done anything wrong, y/n," he said, looking me in the eyes.

"You'd rather believe some girl you don't even know over me. You won't even give me a chance to explain!" he said, waving his hands.

"Because I don't want to listen to another one of your lies, Chris. I'm too tired for that!" I told him, breaking into tears.

"But I'm not lying to you, y/n. Trust me!" he said, advancing towards me.

"I can't. I can't. I'm not strong enough for that. I don't want to take the risk of sinking even lower!" I confessed.

"Is it because of me that you were going to do that?" he said, pointing to the blade that now rested on my bedside table.

I looked at him, eyes soaked and throat tightened.

"Oh god," he whispered, running his hand over his face.

"I'm so sorry, y/n, if I made you believe I wasn't sincere, but all this is just a mistake. I'm not dating Tess," he said, taking my hands.

"I slept with her for a long time, okay, I won't lie to you. I was sleeping with her before we got together, and when you left, I turned to her right away," he began to explain, and I just listened.

"I was a jerk to her. I made her believe it could work between us to keep her under my control, even though I knew we would never be together," he said, and I could hear the disgust in his voice.

"When I got myself together, I stopped everything with her and tried to apologize, but she kept resenting me. She knew what you meant to me; that's why she didn't waste a second to come and tell you those lies," he said, and I sank down, sitting on my bed.

"Y/n, I'm not proud of what I did. She didn't deserve that, and it's not an excuse, but when you left, I was in such a bad place that I hurt anyone who came near me," he said, sitting next to me.

"I haven't lied to you once," he said, placing his hand on mine.

"I'm sorry, y/n, believe me, I really am. I didn't want you to end up like this. I should have told you that night, but I was too ashamed," he said, looking into my eyes.

"And why did you kiss her then?" I asked, wiping my tears.

"Because she threw herself at me; I was completely wasted. By the time I understood what was happening and detached her from my lips, there might have been enough time for you to see us. She probably waited until you were around to do it," he told me.

I looked at him without answering; I was hesitant. I didn't know if I should trust him or not.

"Y/n, I know it sounds far-fetched, but I swear it's true. You can ask anyone; I never dated her," he said, trying to be as convincing and reassuring as possible.

"Chris," I said, lowering my head, "I don't know if I'm supposed to believe you. I don't know if I should trust you or not."

"It's the truth, y/n, I swear. You can ask anyone. I would never do anything to hurt you," he said, squeezing my hand.

"I need time; I don't know what to think. I don't know if I should believe you or not,"

"I'll give you all the time you need," he said, nodding.

"You should rest; it's late, and you really look tired," he said, getting up.

"I'll take this with me," he said, picking up the blade from my bedside table before heading to my window.

"Chris!" I said before he left my room, and he turned around.

"Yes?" he replied.

"I don't want to be alone," I said, letting a tear fall, "Can you stay with me until I fall asleep, please?"

He took a deep breath, "Y-yeah, of course," he said, moving closer to me.

He grabbed the chair from my desk and placed it next to my bed before sitting down.

I slipped under the sheets of my bed, whispering to him, "Thank you, Chris."

"Don't thank me; it's the least I can do for you," he said with a weak smile.

Silence filled the room for a few seconds before I spoke again.

"It wasn't just because of you, you know?" I said in a weak voice.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, leaning towards me.

"I had a fight with my mom," I told him, and he nodded, signaling me to continue.

"And for the first time, I told her what I really had on my mind," I continued, sitting up against my headboard.

"I said things to her that I had never had the courage to say before, and when I went back to my room, everything hit me," I said, unable to control my voice, which occasionally broke.

"I found myself alone with my thoughts, and I started to wonder why all this was happening to me," I continued, waving my hands.

"I got lost in my own head; grief took over, and I felt this horrible weight on my chest," I said, letting a tear fall and placing my hand on my chest.

"It hurt, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. My thoughts were screaming awful things at me, and I struggled to breathe; I felt suffocated," I said, shaking my head, and more tears began to stream down my cheeks.

"And for a brief moment, I thought that by inflicting physical pain on myself, it would get rid of all these bad thoughts," I said before biting my lip.

"I just wanted it to stop; I wanted to distract my mind. I didn't want to hurt myself, but it felt like the only solution," I said, trying to wipe away my tears.

"And now, looking back, I realize how stupid and awful it was. I don't know what came over me; it was like it was stronger than me," I added, hitting my mattress with my arm.

"I just wanted it to stop; I wanted to feel better," I said, shaking my head, and he took me into his arms.

I was so carried away by my emotions that I didn't even notice he was also crying.

"It's over now, y/n; I'm here, okay?" he said, holding me tightly.

"I'll chase away all those bad thoughts of your head for you if you want," he continued to say.

"It's going to be okay, I promise you," he said, gently stroking my head.

"I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me," I told him, crying against his chest.

"I played a role for so long that I don't even know who I'm supposed to be," I said, clinging to his shirt.

"You're allowed to be lost; we all go through that. You'll eventually figure out who you really are; you just need to give yourself time," he reassured me.

"I know who you are, and I assure you that the person you are doesn't deserve to inflict so much pain on themselves," he continued to say.

"I just wanted to please them," I said, crying.

"Your parents?" he asked, and I nodded.

"If your parents don't love you for who you are, then they're really assholes. You deserve better than that," he said. I left his arms, wiping my tears.

"You're an amazing person, y/n, and it breaks my heart to hear you say that because you shouldn't have to beg for your parents' love, and it's just not fair," he said, caressing my cheek.

"In their place, I'd give you all the love in the world; in their place, I'd constantly tell you how proud I am of you because that's what you deserve," he said, looking into my eyes, and I couldn't help but cry.

"Thank you, Chris," I said, lowering my head.

"I'm sorry that life throws so much crap at you. If I could take away all the pain from your heart, believe me, I would," he said.

"But right now, what you need is to rest," he added.

"And I won't leave your room until you fall asleep, I promise. I'm here; you're not alone. I'm watching over you," he said, yawning.

"You're tired too," I said, smiling slightly.

"Yes, but I can wait," he said, returning a smile.

"You can sleep with me if you want," I told him.

"I don't know; won't your parents freak out?" he said, furrowing his brow.

"Not if you leave before they wake up tomorrow," I said, shrugging.

"Please, let me do this at least for you; you need to rest as much as I do," I added.

"Okay, um, do you want us to sleep in the same bed?" he asked timidly.

"You can sleep on the floor if you want, but it wouldn't be the first time you and I share a bed," I said, scratching my neck.

"Yeah, but the other times we shared a bed, y/n, it wasn't for sleeping," he said, rolling his eyes and chuckling.

"Do you think we wouldn't be able to share a bed without getting intimate?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"No, that's not what I meant. I—," he said, embarrassed, before I cut him off.

"It's okay; I'm joking. Stop being silly; come here," I said, lifting the blanket to signal him to lie down next to me, which he eventually did.

Silence filled the room, and it was a bit awkward. Chris kept tossing and turning, so I eventually spoke up, "Are you going to stop fidgeting around anytime soon?" I chuckled.

"Sorry, it's just really warm," he said, chuckling as well.

"Well, you can take off your sweater," I replied.

"Yeah, but I'm not wearing anything underneath," he said, embarrassed.

"Oh," I responded, "um, it doesn't bother me; you can take it off if you're more comfortable that way," I said, trying to play it cool.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking into my eyes.

"Yeah, and besides, it's nothing new. I've seen you like this before," I said, feeling awkward, and he couldn't help but laugh as he took off his sweater.

"Why are you laughing ?" I asked, confused.

"Nothing; I just find this situation funny," he said, stopping his laughter.

"Oh, shut up!" I said, giving him a punch on the shoulder, and we both burst into laughter.

"I never told you, but I really love your laugh, you know?" he said without thinking, making me blush.

"Ah yeah?" I responded, embarrassed, but this time not for the same reason.

"Yeah, I find it soothing," he said, smiling.

Another silence fell. We were face to face, looking at each other without touching, as if there was a vast space between us, almost like we were afraid to make contact.

"I love your eyes," I said without really knowing where I was going with it.

"Why?" he whispered.

"When I look into them, I feel like I'm the only person on Earth," I replied, letting my heart speak.

"It's because you are the only person who truly exists in my eyes," he replied shyly.

Another silence.

"I love your lips," he said.

"I love your nose," I replied.

"I love your hips," he continued, and I could feel the tension building.

"I love your arms," I responded, quickening my breath.

"I love your hands," he replied, placing his hand on mine.

"I love your back," I said, gradually moving closer to him.

"Y/n..." he whispered, his lips just a few millimeters from mine.

"Chris," I responded, my eyes fixed on his lips.

"I love you entirely," he said in an almost inaudible voice before closing the distance between our lips.

I grabbed his collar, pulling him closer without parting our lips. Our kiss deepened, our breaths mingling, and the room's temperature became unbearable.

"Y/n, we can't," he said, separating our lips, my right hand still on his cheek.

"I know," I whispered.

He laid back next to me.

"I love you entirely too," I said, turning my head toward him, tears in my eyes.

Silence, again.

"Maybe in another universe, we got to have our story," he said, staring at the ceiling.

"I wish we were in another universe," I responded, gazing at the ceiling as well.

"Do you think in the one we are, we'll never get to have our story?" I asked him, and he turned his head to look at me.

"I don't know," he said, sighing. "All I know is that in this universe, the girl I love leaves at the end of the vacation," he added.

"I wish things were different," I said.

"I know, me too," he replied.

"Can I fall asleep in your arms?" I asked, letting a tear fall.

He didn't respond, just opened his arms for me to snuggle against his chest, which I did.

"Good night, my angel," he whispered.

"Good night, my love," I replied.

I couldn't help but shed a few tears before closing my eyes and finally managing to find sleep.

Taglist: @chrisloyalgf @christopherscamopants @blahbel668 @thematthewlover @mattsturnioloarchive @carolinalikesthings @bernardsgf @whicked-hazlatwhore @hearts4chris @mattybsbitch @sara2233445

[wordsofelie]

Chapter 6

🔥Phoenix and Ashes

Suna Rintarou x f!reader

Summary: “It’s funny how nobody believed that we could make it work.” - “Well-maybe they were right.”

Meeting Suna Rintarou wasn’t part of your plan. Dating him, either. Getting your heart smashed into the palms of his hand, even less.

Content Warnings: Timeskip, Manga Spoilers, Cursing, Panick Attack, Hurt, Mention of 1 Original Character

Word count: 4.1k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9

The first crack appears on a Friday night.

“You’re overthinking.”

You are sitting on Suna’s dorm bed. He just came out of the bathroom, his hair is still wet and the smell of his shampoo embalms the room. In any other situation, this would warm your heart and make you want to pull him into a tight embrace, breathing in his scent. But not right now. All you are focused on is his cold expression and detached look.

“I’m sorry,” you start apologising. “I guess I just hoped we would spend the whole weekend together.”

“We’re spending it together. I’ll be with you even if my friends are here.” You can sense the annoyance in his voice, after all, you have been arguing for the past twenty minutes but the conversation is still at the same point: you want to spend the evening with him alone; he had planned to introduce you to his friends in their favourite bar in Hiroshima. The issue here is that in the middle of the argument when he thought he had finally convinced you that his intentions were never against you, you asked him if he was bored with you. You saw the intensity in his eyes shift and since then you can’t find their softness back even after he decided to take a shower to cool his mind.

You know how Suna hates losing his time justifying himself, let alone when he doesn’t understand what he is accused of. The fear of bothering him now mixed with the guilt of pissing him off is strangling you.

“Do whatever you want to do. I’m going anyway.”

He puts his shirt on, back faced to you. You grab the sheets instinctively.

He is taller and broader than when you met him. You remember hiding in the library stacks, telling jokes and giggling at the thought of being caught. You remember watching him during practice, getting up to give him his bottle as soon as the whistle signalled the end of the game. He would thank you and smile. And above anything else, he would look at you, soft and green eyes drowning in yours. This seems like ages ago. When have you started being behind him instead of at his side? When have you faded into the background? Unnoticed. Soundless. You thought Suna had set a fire around him and promised to never let a flame touch you. It’s touching you now.

You look at your clenched fists. Your fingers are becoming ashes.

“I’m coming.”

Umi would scream at you, Osamu would tell you to stay.

He still loves me, you would tell them. Don’t worry.

You’re fast to join him by the door, he lets you go out first.

When you enter the bar, you’re overwhelmed by the crowd and the trembling of the floor. There are people everywhere, Suna tells you to follow him. It’s hard to hear him right, his voice is muffled by the music and the chatters. As you walk in, a wave of anxiety washes over you. This place seems so familiar to Suna, it makes you feel like an outsider stepping into someone else’s world.

“Isn’t it Rin’s girl?”

You don’t realise you’re surrounded by a group of boys until one of them calls out to you. You’re used to sporty and beefy boys (your years in Inarizaki taught you that most of the time, they’re no threat), but you’re still impressed by Suna’s teammates. Your stomach tightens. Maybe it’s because of the proximity mixed with the smell of sweat and alcohol. Or maybe you just don’t like those eight pairs of eyes staring at you.

“I’ll go get you something,” Suna whispers into your ear.

You don’t have the time to go with him, he’s already lost in the crowd.

“So Rin’s girl, what do you like the most about our short middle?” The same guy who was the first to talk, asks you.

You’re about to answer (because there is indeed a long list of things you like about him, it might take the whole night to enumerate them), but he cuts you short and gets closer to you.

“Is it because he likes to play it cold, girls love bad boys. Or is it his eyes? Man, I’ve never seen that shade of green, so I understand, you like the-”

“Kakeru, let her breath.”

You’re thankful for that dark-haired guy who puts his hand on his shoulder to stop him from invading your personal space. Kakeru pouts in response and takes two steps back, allowing you to regain some peace.

“Sorry, Kakeru can be quite chaotic.”

“It’s fine.” You look down. The floor looks like it’s sticking from all the spilt drinks.

“I’m Hori Kento by the way, setter. How was the train from Osaka?”

How unusual for a setter to be this calm, you think. Well, maybe the only model you have being Atsumu, you thought all setters were supposed to be loud and boisterous and fearless.

“It was okay. Thanks for asking.”

He gives a quiet smile that put you at ease, even if just a little.

"You must be pretty special if Rin brought you here," Hori says, his eyes kind.

You chuckle softly, trying to shake off the awkwardness. "I hope so. This place is nice."

"Yeah, we come here a lot after games. It's kind of our spot," the setter explains.

As you chat with Hori, you notice Suna laughing with a girl across the room. She is leaning close, her hand lightly touching his arm. Your stomach twist in knots as you try to focus on the conversation, but your attention keeps drifting back to Suna and the girl.

“Hana-chan is here!”

One of the players shouts making Suna and the girl turn to the group, her smile is bright and perfect. She lights up the place.

“Hana, this is Rin’s girlfriend," Hori says, gesturing towards you. She’s standing in front of you now. She’s looking even more beautiful up close. Another wave of panic comes, you’re trying to look for Rintarou, but he is nowhere to be found. Your fingers manage to grasp the necklace hanging from your neck — it was your second-year anniversary present from Rin. You hold on to it.

"Hi! It’s so nice to meet you," she says, her voice warm and friendly. "I hope the boys aren’t bothering you too much.”

“Huh? We did nothing wrong Hana-chan, I swear.” Kakeru says in defense, she laughs.

"Nice to meet you too," you reply, trying to keep your voice steady. Inside, your heart sinks.

You finally catch sight of Suna, discussing with someone. You hope your stare will make him notice you.

"So, how did you and Rin meet?" Hana asks, genuinely curious.

"We went to high school together,"

"Oh, really? He never told me that," Hana says, looking surprised. It becomes clear that Suna hasn’t mentioned much about you to her. You want to leave this room, hide somewhere. "That's so sweet! You must have a lot of memories together."

"Yeah, we do," you reply, your smile feeling more forced by the second. You’re praying for the conversation to end here. In your ears, you can feel the beatings of your heart, the rushing of your blood. Your vision becomes blurry. You try to concentrate on your breathing to calm you down.

“Your neck is red.” She frowns in concern.

“Is it? I’ll go to the bathroom to-“

“Rintarou.”

She calls him, he immediately turns to her.

Why is he looking at her? Look at me, look at me. You’re begging him in silence.

“Your girlfriend looks really tired. Maybe you should take her home."

Suna glances over you. "Yeah, you okay?" he asks, walking over.

"I’m fine. Don’t worry," you reply, trying to keep your voice light. Your breathing has found a normal pace now that the boy you love is at your side. You try to get closer to feel him. You need to feel him or you might collapse.

“It’s getting really red, what if you’re allergic to something?”

“Hana-chan always cares about others, huh. Good thing you’re our manager. ” Hori interferes but it sounds like a far noise to you in the middle of this chaos. Your mind is reeling. “But she’s right, you should be careful.”

"Let's get you home then," Suna says, putting his arm around your shoulders.

You only feel better once you’re outside. The ride home is quiet, Suna glancing at you occasionally. He only breaks the silence when you reach his dorm.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Suna looks at you, for a second you think he is trying to decipher whether or not you’re lying. You were never the kind to complain when something was wrong. But it was always easy with him. Tonight, it’s not. Some parts of you want him to ask for more, to listen to you, to tell you that everything is fine; because everything is fine. It has to be.

He changes into a clean tee-shirt and shorts, without saying a word. You’re standing in the middle of his room, waiting.

���I’m sorry I - I ruined the evening with your friends.”

“It’s fine, let’s go to bed now.”

“Rin…”

He slips into the sheets and opens his arms; your body moves towards the bed and lies down. He wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

His body is so warm. As always. You discovered that the first night he slept at your house, your father had asked you to prepare him a futon, but behind his back your mother winked at you, giving you the choice to do whatever you wanted.

It was December and the cold seemed relentless, seeping through the walls and into your very being.

Rin, with his usual nonchalance, had shrugged off the cold initially, but you could see the slight shiver in his movements. You, on the other hand, couldn't stop your teeth from chattering. He glanced over at you.

"Come here," he said, his voice low. Without waiting for a response, he pulled you closer, wrapping his arms around you tightly. You hesitated for a moment, feeling the heat radiating from his body, but soon melted into his embrace. His body temperature was surprisingly high, like he was a living furnace. The warmth spread through you almost instantly, driving away the biting chill of the night.

"Better?" he murmured, his breath warm against your ear. You nodded, nuzzling closer into the crook of his neck, where his scent was the strongest.

"Much better," you whispered back, feeling the tension ease out of your muscles.

Since then, you have loved when the temperatures dropped, because you knew you would find yourself instinctively curling up next to your boyfriend, seeking out his fiery heat.

In the summers, it was a different story. The heat made his embrace almost unbearable. You would wriggle and squirm, trying to escape his grip in the sweltering nights. But he would somehow always manage to pull you back, holding you close with a lazy grin.

"You're stuck with me," he would chuckle, his voice a sleepy rumble against the top of your head.

And, despite the heat, despite your protests, you would drift off in his arms.

Right now, you know he is not sleeping, and so are you.

You decide to try.

“You and Hana seem close…”

Is it a question? An accusation? You don’t even know. But it comes out of your mouth anyway. He heard you, you’re sure of it, yet he leaves you stranded.

After what feels like an eternity he finally asks, “is that why you wanted to go home?”

“No… but I’m sorry.”

You squeeze the hand that is resting on the curves of your hipbone. For a second, you muscles relax, and the brief release is enough for him to turn away, leaving you feeling utterly alone.

Your vision becomes blurry again, with tears this time.

You cry and think, it is the price to pay for loving him.

The second crack appears in April.

Today is the beginning of another spring.

You and Umi meet in front of Yokohama Stadium, you haven’t seen her in months due to her overloaded schedule. When she spots you, she starts running and waving at you.

“Oops, I’m late.” She scratches the back of her neck and grins.

“When are you not?”, you tease her.

Seeing her, healthier and brighter than ever, fills your heart with joy. She grabs your arm and leads you to the entrance.

“I was only late once for the entrance ceremony in high school, but that was because Atsumu had lost his tie and I helped him look for it. Not my fault.”

“And when we went to the school trip during our second year, huh?”

“Hmm…” She avoids your starring gaze, “Also Atsumu’s, we were having a conversation that morning and he-”

“He got on the wrong bus, so you had to walk the rest of the way.” You don’t let her finish her story, “I know the song, Umi.”

She sighs, “alright, alright. Whatever you think.”

You start laughing but don’t let her go away with it. As you remember more and more moments, Umi begs you to stop before finally admitting that you might (but just might) be right.

"Hey! I’m so glad you could make it," a soft voice says.

You turn to see who is speaking. And there she is. Hana, dressed in the same jumpsuit as Suna. You return her smile, though your eyes are already searching for your boyfriend among the players stepping off the bus.

“I-nice to see you. This is Umi, my best friend. She lives in Tokyo. Umi, this is Hana, the team manager.”

Hana greets her warmly, but you must give Umi a little nudge in the ribs for her to greet back.

“Hi.” She decides to say with a smile you can only describe as forced.

When you finally see Suna, your heart skips a beat. You make your way over, excusing yourself to Hana and Umi. You’re hoping for a brief moment to talk before the game. But as you approach, his gaze slides past you. He saw you, you know he did, so why didn’t he come to you? Or smile. Or at least wave.

You don’t feel Umi’s presence by your side until she speaks, “Oh my God, that girl is so annoying. She was like, blabla, ‘I’m so grateful for all the support the boys are receiving, thank you for coming to cheer for them.’ As if I care about them. Nothing against Suna, but I’m only here because I wanted to see you and Shirabu is too annoying these days, I needed to escape my apartment.”

You register the words and the way she tries to imitate Hana’s voice; however you don’t find the courage to respond.

“Are you okay?” She asks, perplexed when you don’t answer.

You nod, but the hurt lingers.

“Let’s go.” You break the silence absentmindedly.

You both head to the stands, though your excitement has dampened. As you’re about to sit down, you turn to Umi. “I’m going to the toilets. I’ll be right back.”

You don’t give her the time to stop you and rushes to the lockers room to wait for Suna. When he emerges, his expression is one of surprise.

“Oh hey,” he starts with a lazy voice, “I did not know you would come. It’s cool to see you.”

“Rin I- can we talk a little bit?”

“I can’t right now, the game is about to start,” he says curtly, trying to brush past you.

“Please.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“I just wanted to wish you good luck,” you explain, your voice barely above a whisper.

He glances down at you, a flicker of something—incomprehension? frustration?—crossing his eyes. “Is that it? You could have just texted me.”

Speechless, you let your gaze drop to the floor, where you notice a thin cotton bracelet around his right ankle. “What’s that?” you ask, pointing to it.

Suna sighs, clearly irritated. “It’s a present from Hana.”

A lump forms in your throat. “Of course it is,” you mutter, the words tasting bitter.

Before you can say anything more, he brushes you off. “I have to go.”

“Do you still love me?”

The question was eating you alive, it was becoming insufferable. So, the words leave your lips searching for something (a soft caress, a ‘I do’).

He clicks his tongue.

And a second later, the love of your life walks away. The corridors are empty.

When the game begins, you find your way back to the stands. The crowd roars with excitement, but you can barely focus on what is in front of you. Umi tries to engage you in conversation, but your mind is elsewhere.

The EJP Raijin wins against the VC Kanagawa in the quarterfinals of the V.League playoff matches. The final point is made through an impressive block by Suna, and his team erupts in joy, lifting him high in celebration. Umi applauds (probably not for Suna’s action but because the cheers are contagious), but you find yourself unable to do so.

“I’m so hungry, aren’t you hungry?” you’re taken aback by her question.

You quickly swallow the tears that have been stuck in your throat and force a smile. “Yeah, a little bit,” you lie.

“We should go back to my apartment,” Umi suggests and takes your hand to get up. “We can stop by your favourite sushi place in Shinjuku and get some takeaways. And then we can watch a movie, you pick. Or play some Mario kart.”

You glance one last time at Suna, he is high fiving his manager. Before you explode, you decide that Umi’s idea is not so bad.

Later that night, as you ride the subway in Tokyo (Umi fell asleep, her head on your shoulder), Rintarou sends you a text.

“where are you?” it reads.

“I left with Umi.”

“you could have texted me,” he replies, echoing his earlier words. You apologize, and after a few minutes, another message comes through.

“i don’t think you should come next weekend.” Then “i need some time to think”

The finality of his words hits you like a punch to the gut. At the same moment, you receive a text from Osamu with a picture of his twin eating onigiri (with rice all over the mouth). “Did Suna’s team win? Want to come with me to Atsumu’s game in Chiba next weekend? I guess you’ll be in Hiroshima but if I can convince you just know that I’ll make us some bento for the train :)”

Your fingers tremble but you text him back, “sure.”

It’s not like you have other options now.

You don’t read his next message because you’re interrupted by a whisper, “You deserve better.”

Umi’s eyes are still close, but you know she is awake.

You’re too tired to contradict her even though you think she is wrong. Maybe hope is blurring the lines, but Rin is the one who deserves better. And from now on, you will have to put extra efforts in your relationship to keep him. Because he is worth it all. Even if you are almost chosen by Suna, almost loved, you’ll keep on choosing him. Over and over again.

The third crack appears one morning.

The sky is beautiful and once again you’re on your way to Hiroshima.

You are not supposed to join him, but you do it anyway.

You take the first train of the day. Your carriage is quiet and almost empty. The sun rises before your eyes. It’s a tranquil scene. The sea calm and just woken, rays of sun sparkling on the water, the foam coming and going in waves. How wonderful this place must be, you think. It’s unfair that your mind can’t find peace. Only Rintarou lives in the depths between your thoughts, leaving no room for anything else. You bury your face in your hands. You want him. He means so much to you, maybe more than he should. Maybe more than your own life.

You make it to his dorm, the neighbourhood is the same as before sans all the agitation from the children playing and students chatting.

You take a moment before knocking. You don’t remember raising your fist to the door, nonetheless, your boyfriend appears in front of you like a mirage.

He stays silent for a second, opening and closing his lips a few times.

“What are you doing here?”

His eyes are barely open, he squints to adapt to the light or to adapt to your presence. Maybe both. His hair, shorter than before, falls out at the end, something uniquely Rin.

“I…I took the train and I came here and-”

He opens the door wide and abruptly; you startle to the sound of it hitting the wall.

Each step is heavy as you come inside with him.

When he speaks again, there’s anger in his voice, you find yourself missing how detached and lazy his tone usually is.

“I told you not to come this weekend.”

“I know, Rin.” You simply answer, with a broken voice. Your lips are shaking, and you don’t think you will be able to say more.

His look becomes sharper. He shakes his head. “Then why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you.” You whisper, you thought he did not hear you but when he grunts back, you immediately regret your words.

You take a step forward; your hands raise in urge to cup his face but his whole body becomes stiff, making you stop.

“You should leave.” His back is now faced to you but can imagine the features of his face (tense, strained).

You ignore him, “can we talk first, please.”

“I don’t want to.”

When you don’t answer, don’t move, he decides to finally turn again, his frustration evident. You’re getting on his nerves.

A glass falls on the floor. Probably caused by his sudden movement. It makes a sharp crash. The sound reverberates through the room. Without thinking, you get down to clean up the shards, your hands moving on autopilot. As you gather the broken pieces, a jagged edge slices your palm, but the pain doesn’t register immediately.

“I’ll take care of it. Go home.”

But you’re my home, your guts scream.

Your faces are close now, on the same level.

You open your month to beg him to let you stay, even a morning, even an hour. You would accept anything really. But instead, you’re paralysed by his green eyes raising to meet yours.

“We should stop this.”

This? You ask yourself. Is your relationship of over three years, all your first times, all your i love you, only “this” to him?

“Why - why can’t we stay together?”

Maybe you got it wrong, maybe you just don’t understand the situation and he will explain everything to you. This is all just in your head. The floor is not crumbling beneath your feet, the walls aren’t falling down. The world is not burning.

“We just can’t.”

“I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?” Am I not good enough? You want to add but you’re too afraid of the answer.

“Nothing.”

“Rin, please I know we can make it work, give us a chan-”

He gets up suddenly. “I fucking can’t, okay. That’s just the way it is.”

At this moment, you would have given everything that matters to you not to hear what came after.

You, who wished so many times for Suna to tell you more, talk more, instead of giving short responses.

You thought words couldn’t hurt like silence does. It does. Nothing killed you like those three words did.

“Get over it.”

You getting over him? Oh but Suna, dear, that would take a lifetime.

You almost lose your balance, your shoulder presses against the kitchen counter to find some support. You don’t know where the strength comes from but you manage to get on your feet. You quickly hide your injured hand behind your back.

His morning alarm rings, it’s shrill but at least it covers your sobs. He is about to turn it down when you escape the room and leave.

The cool wind hits you. There are cherry blossoms all around you; shades of pink in the air, petals falling silently. Tomorrow, they will still be there. And the day after. And the day after. Until, they are not.

Nothing lasts forever.

Nor cherry blossoms. Nor love.

You hate yourself for only realising it now.

It hurts, gosh, it hurts.

But the worst is that despite the bleeding cuts and the broken heart, you love Suna Rintarou all the same.

Author notes: a lot of crying, i am sorry 🫠 btw i’m taking advantage of this chapter to remind you guys that you all deserve to be treated with love and respect (being almost chosen & almost loved is NOT OKAY)

take care 🫶🏻

Elie

taglist: @wolffmaiden, @obibiwan, @teyvatsunsets

[miss-musings]

How badly was Tech's Death handled in The Bad Batch S3?

I'm planning to do a full season review for The Bad Batch Season 3, and while prepping, I started thinking back about how Tech's death was handled.

I wonder if The Bad Batch never really mourned Tech on-screen because they all blamed themselves for his death:

Hunter bc he's the leader (even Hemlock noted this)

Wrecker bc he was trying to hold the rail car

Crosshair bc they were trying to save him from Tantiss

And Omega had never really lost anyone before, so she probably didn't know how to cope.

The time jump didn't help either.

Arguably it'd be in-character that their "mourning" style is just avoiding the topic. They hardly brought up Crosshair in S1 after he was mind-controlled.

Hunter shuts down the group's conversation about Crosshair in 1.03 partly bc he feels guilty about leaving Crosshair behind (even tho they didn't really have a choice). Consequently, the group doesn't really mention Crosshair except in passing after 1.03.

Look, I ultimately think the writers *should* have let the characters mourn Tech in a meaningful way. It'd allow them and us to have some closure. But they didn't, and that's partly why so many people expected him to come back (namely as CX-2).

Tech also just had such a suspicious "death":

No body on screen

He fell with all or most of his gear on him, and Hunter survived a 500+ foot fall on Daro without much issue

Hemlock as an unreliable death certificate

A character running around in S3 who was conditioned by Hemlock (who supposedly found Tech's body) and who moves & talks like Tech, and has significant interactions w/ Crosshair and Omega plus a weird scene w/ Phee

It didn't help that CX-2 survived *everything* - multiple explosions, falls, etc. Plus, we never saw him without his mask, unlike CX-0 in S2 and CX-1 in 3.06.

If the TBB creators wanted to avoid any theorizing that CX-2 was Tech or anyone else we knew, all they had to do was show him without his helmet at the end of 3.07. Boom, problem solved!

I really expected a CX-Tech reveal up until 3.14 "Flash Strike." But by then, we'd run out of time to bring him back properly. It really feels like the writers baited us, or something was changed last-minute during S3 production.

Even if we'd gotten a scene in, let's say, 3.05 "The Return" where the Bad Batch finally and properly mourned Tech once they were all together, I'm sure people still would've theorized CX-2 was Tech. But, I do think there would've been fewer.

As it stands, neither the characters nor the audience ever had a proper send-off for such a prominent character.

And CX-2 had all that screentime & build-up to justify cutting off Crosshair's hand???

TBB S3 was great in many respects, but how it handled Tech's death was a major flaw.

But, I just wanted to play Devil's Advocate for a bit. Maybe it wasn't as bad as we thought, and arguably was in-character for Tech's brothers to hardly ever mention him.

He's mentioned 7 times in S3:

Wrecker has an indirect mention in 3.02

Omega in 3.03

Echo in 3.05

Phee in 3.08

Crosshair in 3.09

Phee in 3.12

Crosshair in 3.15

And we know that last one is the most heartbreaking one of them all.

Phee and Echo seemingly have made some peace with losing Tech after 5-6 months. But it's clear Hunter & co still haven't. They all compartmentalized his death and never addressed it. Crosshair's little "Plan 99" speech in 3.15 proves that, I think.

Anyway, just throwing this out there. I'm planning to do a S3 review soon and go over the three best and three worst things about the season. SPOILERS: Tech's death and the CX-2 baiting was definitely one of the worst!

[derseprinceoftbd]

This is a rant I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while, but the conception on Tumblr, AO3, and sometimes here, that Jake is capable of "teasing" Dirk, and all that implies, irks me deeply.

Let me be clear: Jake English is not self-aware. He, in Canon, never does anything resembling self-awareness, maturity, emotional boldness, or anything else that requires a spinal column. This includes apologizing to anyone, talking about his problems in a way that doesn't end up being selfish, teasing someone, particularly Dirk, or transitioning. (I maintain this especially; he does not have the boldness, maturity, self-awareness, or nerve to have transitioned his gender presentation pre-Act-6.)

He has an *understanding* of pranks, if we allow Paradox Space as evidence, but that's it. He makes *Tavros* look like a fully-roleplayed-into-Class-shift Lord.

You know what the popular Fandom perception of Jake, as a member of a DirkJake relationship, lines up with? *John*, before his main writing trait became a deep, all-consuming depression and repression thing.

Like, John’s original Act 5 and earlier characterization before his underreaction to his dad's death and the spiral that sent him down towards his current "transition would not save her" characterization is what people use for Jake (charming, funny, actually seems to have his shit together enough to maybe be transmasc (man, remember *transmasc John*?), and, most importantly, seemingly capable of dealing with the levels of vaguely sociopathic bullshit that an even-close-to-accurate Dirk would throw at him), but DirkJohn/JohnDirk is less popular, to the point of not having a consensus order, simply because Jake and Dirk are *coded* as liking each other.

I think a lot of people miss that DirkJake is fundamentally the Equius of relationships; Hussie isn't one of those writers that feels pride in finding pathos in the ridiculous, but spiteful glee and humor. He genuinely does not care if he accidentally touches people's hearts in a way that doesn't involve Dave, or *maybe* Vriska. The fact is, DirkJake is a joke relationship, which is spelled out very clearly in their conversation.

You know, their conversation. The one they have together. The time we see someone who is actual Dirk Strider, not Hal pretending, not Aranea co-opting a memory, not a Brain Ghost, talking to Jake. That time.

Yeah, that doesn't exist. DirkJohn has as much conversational basis as DirkJake.

Edit:

LESS! GAME OVER! "I FAILED"! LESS!!!

DirkJake is a joke, a long, subtle one being made on everyone who saw Dirk's affections and immediately wanted him to get together with his disabled(?) ongoing harassment victim. Hussie was having a lot of fun making it seem like Jake found it important in the Masterpiece, I'll tell you that much.

@thelifetimechannel/@geejaysmith/@clonerightsagenda did magnificently wringing blood from this stone, I really do mean that, their Alphas are genuinely written better than Canon for 3/4, but that's all it ever was; every DirkJake writer is the YouTube comments under [this video](https://youtu.be/B7bpv5xyrOY?si=wYTCFDHM5ZzOY8fp) saying Equius could ever have been more than what he was.

TL:DR

1, Jake is pathetic, and we should remember this.

2, Hussie is a jackass who hates us one and all for the sin of caring and everything he has done with this franchise since maybe EOY2 has had an ulterior motive, and we should remember this.

3, Most people who write longfics set in SBURBless AUs, whether normalcy or fantasy, and want to ship Dirk and Jake should really be shipping Dirk with John, since now that history of Dirk-Jake interactions that justifies the ship in-Universe is gone at the Author's leasure, John would have the dynamic they want, and they talk *exactly as much*.

4, If you want to trans Jake, [there's a sensible way to do that](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8619856), but there's no in-character way to make him transmasc.

5, Read DDOTA, I beseecheth of you. Like yeah the Striders are emotional to a kinda weird degree but apart from that they really got everyone down right.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for possibly invalidating a self-diagnosed autistic person

I (20sNB) met D (20sM) in an online server for an anime fandom we're both in. I'm a psychology student who was professionally diagnosed with autism in early childhood. D and I developed a friendship based on having similar fandom opinions. I don't remember how me being autistic came up in conversation but when I mentioned it, he described himself as "autistic as f#ck". Sometimes he would get into arguments with other people in the server and bring up his autism if he was called out on how he spoke to people. On his twitter he said his autism was self-diagnosed and he has no interest in getting a professional diagnosis but he could if he wanted to.

I have complicated feelings on self-diagnosis; I think there's pressure in the autistic community to accept every single self-diagnosed person as valid. I personally would never definitively say I had something that I hadn't been professionally diagnosed with. That being said, I understand that there are factors that would prevent someone from getting a diagnosis so some people *have* to only be self-diagnosed. I don't have a problem with it as long as people aren't spreading misinformation or being actively harmful, which is what I (and others) thought D was doing. My issue wasn't him being self-diagnosis, it was that he was using his self-diagnosed autism to justify incorrect (and harmful) claims.

I noticed a few times that he would make comments like "autism isn't a disability" and "some autistics have high support needs because of intellectual disability", which is just flat out wrong. D also claimed that if he was to get a diagnosis, his would be level 3 autism (which would be for someone with high support needs with severe social and communication deficits, generally nonverbal) but he also is a college student who's been in a relationship for over a year and he works part-time in retail. For context, my diagnosis happened when there was different terminology but my psychologist considers me to be somewhere between level 1 or 2 and I am also studying and working part time.

Another person in the server (let's call them P, also 20sM) brought up a different disorder that they'd been diagnosed with (not autism although P is autistic as well) and D immediately said "I probably have that too but I can't be bothered to do anything about it".

P and a few other people in the server expressed some frustration in a separate group chat about D's tendency to (a) say things about autism that just aren't true and (b) say "omg me too" every time one of us brings up things we have. Once D said autism isn't a disability the third or fourth time we'd had enough and I responded "D, that's not right". D took offense to that and claimed as a fellow autistic person I should agree with him. I said "D, I'm autistic and it's a disability, I call myself disabled because my autism is literally disabling". D said he felt like disabled is a bad word and he doesn't like using it about himself. I said "D, no one's forcing you to use it about yourself if you don't want to, but saying autism isn't a disability is just wrong". P pointed out that every time someone in the server talks about being neurodivergent D is like "omg me too" and P also said that D doesn't get to claim to be autistic while also spreading misinformation, especially when the misinformation being spread is ableist. D got mad at P for calling him ableist; he insisted he's autistic and self-diagnosis is valid. I said "I get that, but when the information you're spreading is flat-out wrong, it kind of makes me question your researching skills".

D called P and I both ableist, told us we were so privileged to be diagnosed (which neither of us disputed but also D *could* have been diagnosed but chooses not to be even though he has the resources to access a professional diagnosis) and we're "f#cking assholes" for invalidating self-diagnosed autistics. D's partner (20sF) also got involved and claimed we were bullying D and we both have "pick-me" attitudes. P and I both muted the server and disengaged for a while.

Later on, D messaged P and I both. D claimed his reaction to what was said was because of his autism. P had had enough and said "buddy, you don't get to say that" and D got mad and blocked P. I told D I was going no-contact and D could block me if he wanted. D called me an asshole and I blocked him.

It's probably worth noting that my autism means that I have difficulty interpreting people's messages in text form and tend to take what people say at face value. Sometimes D getting overly confrontational triggered my anxiety and caused me to feel very uneasy around him since it was in text form and there was no vocal tone to decipher (if that makes sense). The thing is, I don't think D is necessarily not autistic, I just think D has some internalized ableism and doesn't really understand the nuances of the autism spectrum enough to make a sound judgement and he should have maybe not made claims about an identity he knows very little about, but maybe P and I might have been a little harsh because we'd been stewing on our feelings for so long.

What are these acronyms?